Monthly Archives: September 2005

The Sagittarius Child

I dont really believe in Astrology but its amazing how a description of a Sagittarius fits me to a T
 
Personality Characteristics
If your child is born in Sagittarius he or she is intelligent, generous, and often possessive, especially of those who are loved.  A child with this sun sign is hopeful and impressionable.  He or she is quick and enterprising, demonstrative in affection, and loyal.  This individual loves liberty and will vie with anyone to obtain it.  Because of a firm belief in freedom of speech and expression, Sagittariams are opinionated and decidedly independednt in their thinking and reasoning.  If 25 people in a room agree on one point, the Sagittarius person would disagree vehemently.  These children are often rebellious, with a tendency to be indifferent to law and order, especially if it affects their individual freedom.  Their blunt characteristics often cause the people in this sign to lose friends.  The Sagittarius child has a religious, philosophical, and psychological outlook on life.  A Sagittarius child loves people and tries to understand the.  The sign’s sympathetic and methodical nature is well developed.  Sagittarius is inquisitive and witty and has a penetrating mind.
 
Constitionally this child is strong, but when his health is afflicted it usually comes from overactivity, excessive worry, and frustration over inability to solve problems.  The Sagittarius child is a lover of beauty, above all the beauty of knowledge.  These children take short cuts in almost everything they do.  Often they get lost in petty details and forego the big things.  This child is noble, sentimental, and impulsive, tactless and undiplomatic, but Sagittarius loves deeply and is usually artistic and refined.
 
The Sagittarius child needs help in learning discrimination in choosing friends, companions, and later, a mate.  Sagittarius must learn to evaluate people.  This child will have a desire to help humanity, especially the unfortunate, but with a lack of discrimation may end up sympathizing with those who seek only to take advantage.  Sagittarians cannot judge people, for they have no guile.  The Sagittarius child will love nature and the great outdoors.  By understanding themselves, their talents, weaknesses,, and rebellions, their lives can be so directed that they can accomplish anything they want to do.
 
Talents and attributes
Sagittarians’ talents expand best where they come in contact with others, such as in instructions classes in art, education, dancing, and the ministry.  They may also enter into business deals, or be in any one of many professions, such as the law.
 
—————–
I think I will refrain from analyzing my current life based on this description.  I will let it just stand as a description of myself.

The House on Mango Street – Four Skinny Trees

Well… the cable internet connection died…. for the 3rd time this week.  On a stroke of genius, I decided to check my neighbourhood to see if another unsecured network was up and running…  and it was. So I am stealing a bit of bandwidth until my connection comes back.  The tech is coming on Monday.  I hope that it doesnt stay down all weekend!
 
The House on Mango Street – Sandra Cisneros
Four Skinny Trees
 
They were the only ones who understand me.  I am the only one who understands them.  Four skinny trees with skinny necks and pointy elbows like mine.  Four who do not belong here but are here.  Four raggedy excuses planted by the city.  From our room we can hear them, but Nenny just sleeps and doesn’t appreciate these things.
 
Their strength is secret.  They send ferocious roots beneath the ground.  They grow up and they grown down and grab the earth between their hairy toes and bite the sky with violent teeth and never quit their anger.  This is how they keep.
 
Let one forget his reason for being,  they’d all droop like tulips in a glass, each with their aarms around the other.  Keep, keep, keep, trees say when I sleep.  They teach.
 
When I am too sad and too skinny to keep keeping, when I am a tiny thing against so many bricks, then it is I look at the trees.  When there is nothing left to look at on this street.  Four who grew despite concrete.  Four who reach and do not forget to reach.  Four whose only reason is to be and be.
 
—————————
 
This chapter from the book that I have to dissect for my Spanish take-home exam really hits home for me.  This sense of trying to reach out for something better (the sky) when in a place that you do not particularly belong and is a place that fights to keep you down.  The sense of being strong (roots down and growing up) when under trials.  The need to keep going and to keep yourself strong and safe even when there are too many bricks(burdens) to see the beauty of life around you.

All is right with the world for a few moments

This morning when I was walking out of the house, I heard this strange noise coming from the roof of the house next door.  I thought perhaps I would see squirrels running across the roof but no… sitting up on the eavestrough were 4 blue jays.  I watched them for a few minutes and eventually 2 of them flew to the tree in the courtyard.  It crossed my mind that I didn’t think I had seen a single blue jay since I moved down here… some cardinals yes… but no blue jays.
 
It reminded me of being back at home and for a few minutes, all was right with the world.

An interesting kink in blogging

Today, I responded to an online ad using my MSN email.  The gentleman thought that my online name might be a famous person so googled it…. and ran into my blog.  Imagine, someone you don’t know… but might want to know, runs into your blog and now knows more than they want to know about someone they don’t really know.
 
Strangely, it never occurred to me that someone I know might accidentally run into my blog.  Then again, making good decisions based on good judgement has never been my strong point.  I was going to say thinking through my decisions was not my strong point but I do try to think through my decisions.  That doesn’t stop them from blowing up in the my face anyways.
 
So what do I do?
Say this is me and if you run into it… well you just got an eye opening experience into my inner thoughts?  This could limit my friends and dating life.  Already one of my friends has read my blog and is nervous about our conversations getting into it.   Could I be saying things that would hurt my friends and loved ones if they ran into my blog?  That I would not want to do.  And yes, I have been honest… but have I been hurtful?
 
Remove all mention of my online name so my email address and my blog can’t get associated with each other?  In other words, hide myself from the people that know me?  Not that hiding my thoughts is a new thing.  People call me very open but Im not.  I hide much more troublesome thoughts than I am willing to share.
 
"Why do one for all to see? " this gentleman asks. And I ask myself?  Why did I?  I don’t know.  Maybe I wanted some type of feeling that someone was listening.  And thanks to Angie and Fat Chick (who doesn’t seem fat), I feel like Im not totally alone on this strange path I find myself.
 
So I guess I will ponder if I should change things and make it more anonymous or just say… sorry… this is me.  The second one seems a whole lot braver than I probably am.
 

I have no future.

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise."
 
I took this from Life in the dating lane and she took it from here: http://spaces.msn.com/members/opheliadied/
 
This quote disturbs me for some reason that I can’t quite put my finger on.  For years, I thought that if I just had enough willpower, smarts and grit I would get over the obstacles that confronted me and receive the impossible.  I thought that with enough determination and perseverence, I could attain any goal in my job, my finances and my love.  I did not limit my choices because it never occurred to me that I should limit my choices.
 
Despite that, I think that all I have left is compromise because I have not attained those things I really wanted.  In fact, these days…. my goals are small indeed because none of my options seem achievable therefore I am stuck on this path that once led to my bright future  but leads nowhere at all because my future was erased.
 
Almost 2 years ago, I decided to go for the impossible.  A man that I cared for very much told me that he loved me and had loved me since he met me in 1998.  I believed that he loved me and that he would move heaven and earth to be with me.  Just one problem – we were married – and not to each other.  I left my husband as soon as was possible for me given my circumstances (which were complicated).  For another 6 months, I waited for my soulmate to leave his wife.  I could not understand why he wouldnt leave her if he loved me so much.  One day he called me to say his wife was pregnant and he wouldnt leave her now.
 
When I started this relationship, I went against everything I believed in.  I went against the advice of all my friends.  I didnt limit myself to the reasonable and possible – I went for something I truly wanted with all my heart.  And what ended up happening was that I compromised everything I stood for.  I erased my future and trapped myself in my present.
 
I can not rebuild my life because I can see no future for myself – no future that I want for myself.  When he changed his plans, all my preparations for the future I saw with him went away with his love.  I continue on with the should do things because I don’t know what else to do but plod along the crumbling path that is still left of that yellow brick road.
 
Since him, I have wanted just two things but those two things are also seemingly impossible to attain.
1. I enjoyed the friendship of one of my girlfriends. She made me laugh and look forward to spending time with her.   But she isnt talking to me because of my relationship with Angel which apparently no longer exists.  And yes, I can see the irony of that.
2. I enjoyed the budding relationship with Angel.  He made me feel like I could rebuild a future… although he didnt know I didnt have one.  Two nights ago he warned me again that I should not get involved with him – at least I think he was warning me.  For once, I think I will heed his warning and not fight for the impossible.  Im too tired these days to fight against the tides.  I guess that is what he meant by ‘go with the flow’.  Just let it all flow away… no fighting an uphill battle… easy peasy…
 
Ok… this writing is something that I want to do.  A small thing… even achievable.
 
The rest of my life… the schooling, the tutoring, the job, my vacation, the dating…. should do things that someone would do if they were rebuilding their life.  Its just that Im not…

The date that wasn’t a date

Once again, my bad luck greeted me.  Adolpho isnt looking for a relationship in any way, shape or form… just someone to practise English.  He already has a girlfriend in Peru.
 
He seems like a nice guy anyways and I can use the Spanish practise so I will continue to meet him.

Questions without Answers

At last, the homework I slated for today is basically done.  I wanted to finish up both research papers but it is too late in the evening/early in the morning to work on the second paper.
 
Today has left me with questions that I have no answers for.
 
If everybody thinks I am doing the wrong thing, is it the wrong thing?
If everybody believes that I love him, do I love him?
If I don’t catch him lying, is he lying?
When do you know when a friend has quit being a friend?
When do you know you have healed from a broken heart?
When do you know that you are on the right path?
 
Where is GOD?