I have no future.

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise."
 
I took this from Life in the dating lane and she took it from here: http://spaces.msn.com/members/opheliadied/
 
This quote disturbs me for some reason that I can’t quite put my finger on.  For years, I thought that if I just had enough willpower, smarts and grit I would get over the obstacles that confronted me and receive the impossible.  I thought that with enough determination and perseverence, I could attain any goal in my job, my finances and my love.  I did not limit my choices because it never occurred to me that I should limit my choices.
 
Despite that, I think that all I have left is compromise because I have not attained those things I really wanted.  In fact, these days…. my goals are small indeed because none of my options seem achievable therefore I am stuck on this path that once led to my bright future  but leads nowhere at all because my future was erased.
 
Almost 2 years ago, I decided to go for the impossible.  A man that I cared for very much told me that he loved me and had loved me since he met me in 1998.  I believed that he loved me and that he would move heaven and earth to be with me.  Just one problem – we were married – and not to each other.  I left my husband as soon as was possible for me given my circumstances (which were complicated).  For another 6 months, I waited for my soulmate to leave his wife.  I could not understand why he wouldnt leave her if he loved me so much.  One day he called me to say his wife was pregnant and he wouldnt leave her now.
 
When I started this relationship, I went against everything I believed in.  I went against the advice of all my friends.  I didnt limit myself to the reasonable and possible – I went for something I truly wanted with all my heart.  And what ended up happening was that I compromised everything I stood for.  I erased my future and trapped myself in my present.
 
I can not rebuild my life because I can see no future for myself – no future that I want for myself.  When he changed his plans, all my preparations for the future I saw with him went away with his love.  I continue on with the should do things because I don’t know what else to do but plod along the crumbling path that is still left of that yellow brick road.
 
Since him, I have wanted just two things but those two things are also seemingly impossible to attain.
1. I enjoyed the friendship of one of my girlfriends. She made me laugh and look forward to spending time with her.   But she isnt talking to me because of my relationship with Angel which apparently no longer exists.  And yes, I can see the irony of that.
2. I enjoyed the budding relationship with Angel.  He made me feel like I could rebuild a future… although he didnt know I didnt have one.  Two nights ago he warned me again that I should not get involved with him – at least I think he was warning me.  For once, I think I will heed his warning and not fight for the impossible.  Im too tired these days to fight against the tides.  I guess that is what he meant by ‘go with the flow’.  Just let it all flow away… no fighting an uphill battle… easy peasy…
 
Ok… this writing is something that I want to do.  A small thing… even achievable.
 
The rest of my life… the schooling, the tutoring, the job, my vacation, the dating…. should do things that someone would do if they were rebuilding their life.  Its just that Im not…
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2 responses to “I have no future.

  1. Wow, Andria, this is a very powerful message you wrote here.I’m wondering about the same thing at 4 am. I go online and here I am, at your blog, reading about "having no future". I totally agree with you here. I have been going after what I want, both in careers and relationships, with all my heart and my soul. While I’m making good friends a long the way, I have left with disappointments. I feel I have tried making big steps forward in career and relationship against the odds just to find out I’m making 2 steps backward. Friends are great supports, but they have their own lives to worry about, they are not my life savers to help drag me out of the mud I’m sinking in.You are not alone feeling this way. I hope this helps making you feel better??? :-)I’m trapped in confusions and disappointments and I’m exhausted from fighting with the odds. I think from now on, I’m going with the safe choices (or perharps, compromise choices – no more energy to fight or look for more disappointments).

  2. Reading your blog is like reading my own thoughts. I keep trying to figure out a way to voice these thoughts and feelings. You have described many of them to a "T." I’ve never felt so lost in my life. Let me tell you a small story about myself. I wasn’t the best student in high school and just barely graduated by the skin of my teeth. I had a lot of family issues that left my studies second on my priority list (long story). Once things at home changed for the better for me I found myself moving towards college. Everyone told me computers would be great for me and that was my strongest subject in high school, I would have a bright future choosing that path. Everyone had all the answers for me. I smiled, nodded, and went for it. I put my all into my college studies. I went to a two year school and was determined to graduate with a 4.0 GPA. Every class I was the teacher’s pet, always the group leader, I did volunteer work, stayed after school to get help and give help with studies, I joined a "well known" computer group and even got on the board, and everyone wanted to be my partner for group assignments. Honestly, I couldn’t wait to get a job in computers, I excelled at the subject so much. In my next to last term of school my GPA dropped to a 3.8 GPA. Most people would be thrilled with that, I was devastated. I’ve had three computer jobs since college and each one was nothing like what they told us it would be like in school. I won’t even go into detail the hardship of being a woman in this field. I fought so hard and when I look at where all of that got me today and all I can do is cry. I received my hard cold slap of reality. I see my goals and dreams and I’ve tried over and over again to reach them pushing myself to do my best the whole way and it just seems impossible now. The only thing I know is that I don’t want to stay in my current position in life. But it seems like the more I fight against it and reach for something higher I get pushed back ten steps. I can relate to you… I wish I had answers for you… but I think if nothing else I find comfort in knowing I’m not alone in how I feel. ((Hugs)) ~ Fat Chick

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