Monthly Archives: July 2006

Loving in two languages

Hello readers,
Does anyone have any experience with relationships in which the couple speaks two different languages? 
Eduardo seems to basically understand me but my skills in Spanish are not as good as his.  In fact, my language skills were hard won so I am not expecting to see sudden gains in my comprehension of Eduardo.  I honestly think I understand him reasonably well but he disagrees.  Perhaps, I only understand the simple things and Eduardo wants to talk about more complicated things.  Apparently, this is causing him no end of frustration that he can’t speak to me about everything that is in his heart and on his mind.
Last night I asked him if he wanted to end the relationship.  He took forever to answer the question and my heart dropped to my toes while I was waiting for him to answer.  I don’t want him to end the relationship because of this.  But I don’t know how to resolve this problem except through giving it time.  Maybe I don’t have the kind of time that I need. 
He says that he does not want to give up a good woman simply because of a problem with language which can be resolved with time.  But on the other hand… how many people do you know who are willing to work hard at a relationship?  especially a relationship that is just starting out.

A voice from the past

I heard from someone today that I had not heard from in probably a year… my first husband.  He emailed me today to say that he was having another child – his third.  I am so happy for him.  I always knew he would make a good father and he loves children.
What I thought was really interesting was that I had been thinking of my first husband a lot in the last couple of weeks.  I had been wondering if I should call him or email him but just hadn’t gotten around to it.  Often times, he has called me right after a milestone event saying he has been thinking of me and how is everything.  He called me right after one of my surgeries and soon after I separated from my husband.  After all these years, we still seem to have some kind of bond that seems to tell us when something important is happening in each other’s life.  Its weird and yet its comforting to know that there is someone out there.
So many people in my life are reaching goals that I still seem to be struggling to obtain.  I am envious that they have accomplished it and I am still so very far away.  My best friend Rosi is married to a man that is a total sweetheart.  My first husband is having a baby.  Another owns a home – a real home with a yard.  Its true, I feel envy for them but I am also happy for them.  They are my friends… how can I not be happy that they are succeeding in their lives.? But a little bit of sadness creeps in that it is not me celebrating those milestones.
One day, I hope to be celebrating these milestones for myself.  But in the meantime, I plan on trying to remember that I have plenty to be thankful for.  For instance, my mammogram came out clean today!!!

Dear Lonely

Ok… that sucks.  What kind of person dumps their significant other while they are at work?  Where is their respect for the person they have been dating?  Or do the SOs have no idea that maybe the other person actually cares and the news might not be taken well?  What happened to doing this IN PERSON!!!!
I had a guy break up with me by calling me at home at 2am on a weekday.  Surely, he had some expectation that I needed to go to work the next day and maybe this phone call would destroy my sleep and the next day at work.  Or maybe he simply didn’t care…
Ok… rant over. 
I am so sorry that you received this news in a somewhat less than caring way.  Calling you at work is not caring no matter how nicely she words the break-up.  You didn’t ask for my advice but I will give it anyways.
Talk to a friend, your mother/father, your sister, somebody that will listen.  I am afraid that I don’t just pick up the pieces all by myself.  After Enrique, I cried on Rosi’s shoulder for an evening and in Neil’s ear for many a phone call.  Friends are invaluable for talking to or – if that doesn’t work for you – simply by spending time with them.  They fill up that empty evening that you might otherwise be spending thinking about the lost relationship.
If it works for you… write.  This blog has been really helpful in letting me organize thoughts that normally run around in little circles in my brain.  My thoughts used to just circle viciously like a tornado and I couldn’t get rid of them.  It seems that putting my thoughts and feelings in black and white allows me to sort through everything and move on.  Or throw yourself into a hobby.  Keep yourself busy but not so busy that you aren’t processing your feelings and thoughts.
I wouldn’t recommend that you date too early or at least too seriously.  I always call my first few dates – throwaway dates.  These are the dates that you are using to dip your toes back into the "chummed shark-infested waters of dating".  You probably aren’t going to be terribly interested in your dates and you are likely going to make mistakes that result in no second dates.  With any luck, you won’t meet your future soul mate during this time. 
And last but not least… I swear to you that the OSD crashes EVERY SINGLE TIME I select Text for the Search Type!!! 
Your friend and co-worker… Billie

Do I miss Enrique?

Surprisingly enough… the answer is no.  A week ago, I had a conversation with Enrique that bothered me to no end.  A couple of days later, I called him and left VM saying that if he couldn’t respect my wishes then maybe we should talk less.  And talk less we have.  He hasn’t called.  Initially, I thought I would be upset and miss him but I really havent.
Now maybe this is because I have been spending a lot of time with Eduardo.  I suppose there is nothing like a new guy to forget the old guy but even before I got really involved with Eduardo, I could feel myself becoming less and less attached to Enrique.  I really expected to take longer to get over Enrique but perhaps my heart already knew that the relationship would not last.  The signs were there if I just took the time to look.  But in comparison to my past boyfriends, Enrique was very attentive and generally a pretty good all-round boyfriend.
Eduardo is intense.  There is no other way to describe it.  I can’t even imagine how much more intense he would be if we could actually communicate better.  He says there are so many things in his head that he wants to talk to me about but he doesn’t because he doesn’t think that I will understand him *sigh*  He has forgiven me for my screw-up and said he is no longer angry with me.  Whew!
We have spent the last two weekends together and have really enjoyed each other company’s.  This weekend we didn’t do too much as I didn’t feel well for part of it.  I picked him up on Friday.  We had some supper and talked.  Saturday, I introduced him to Dairy Queen.  Can you believe that he didn’t know that American icon??  We watched two different movies Fausto 5.0 in Spanish with English subtitles and Brokeback Mountain in English with Spanish subtitles.  He totally impressed me that he would watch this movie when so many men that I know will not touch it with a 10 ft pole.  It was actually a very good movie and we both enjoyed it very much.  We didn’t enjoy Fausto 5.0 as much.  We also picked out two movies for next weekend – one in English and one in Spanish.  I think compromise is going to be the word that describes our relationship.  Right next to communication.  Sunday… we did absolutely nothing and did it quite well!!!!
On Sunday, I took him home.  We didn’t talk much.  Both of us were sad that he was going home.  I miss him even though I spent the whole weekend with him and I am going to see him on Wednesday.  That is so weird for me.

Harmony was weaned too early?

This morning, Harmony decided that Timmie must be her mama and started looking for her teat.  Let me just say that Timmie did not take to this kindly!
Or maybe she decided that Timmie was far more exciting than my body parts.  When the bedroom wakes up… ie my alarm clock goes off, she starts attacking random body parts on everybody in the bed.  This includes me, Timmie and her own tail.  That usually sends Timmie off the bed which turns her attention to my body parts.  It is not too bad when she finds body parts attractive that are under the blankets but fairly painful when she discovers a body part that has surfaced.  OUCH!!!!
I hurt my back again last night.  I have no idea how.  Eduardo and I talked for about 3 hours then we went to a little restaurant to eat.  That would hardly be considered back intensive.  The back itself doesn’t hurt but I am getting these weird little feelings along my ankle.  It is like I have a little bug running along my skin.  Other times it is just your traditional pins and needles.
And on my final note for tonight…. Eduardo has not ended the relationship.  I hope that he can find it in his heart to forgive me for my mistake.

What to write

More and more often, I have been trying to figure out what level of detail is appropriate to put in my log.  This has caused me to write less and in the case of last night… to totally delete what I wrote about 3 hours after I wrote it.   How do I know when I am invading the privacy of anyone that I am writing about?  And yet… I can’t not write about nobody.  It is the part of my life that intersects with others that causes me to write.  I want to put down my confusions and my thoughts so I can think more clearly on what I am feeling.  I want to sort out that turmoil that is called my heart.  And yet… the last thing I want to do is disrespect anyone that I have written about.  I try to mostly focus on my feelings about the situation rather than ranting against the person I am confused about.


As I discovered last night…. even the best of intentions can go terribly wrong.  It reminds me of something that my mom used to say, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.”  I always wondered what that meant.  I am starting to wonder if it means that it doesn’t matter diddley squat about what your intentions are; you are simply judged by the outcome.


And that is what I believed happened to me last night.  I made a mistake.  I told Eduardo about the mistake because I wanted his advice on what I should do.  So I suppose I compounded my first error in judgment with a second.  According to Eduardo, I disrespected him and our relationship and I shouldn’t expect any respect from him in return.  Now my mistake is not in any way related to my blogging but I said what I said above to explain the total lack of detail about the mistake and the resulting conversation.  I had no intention whatsoever of hurting Eduardo, disrespecting him nor did I even mean to show him through my actions that I did not think our relationship was important but apparently that is what I did.  I have apologized to Eduardo for what I did.  I tried to explain to him that I thought I was doing the best thing in a situation that I didn’t know how to handle.  He simply said these were bad excuses for my behavior.  


All of this was done over IM.  Not the best of places to handle a misunderstanding but he didn’t want to talk to me over the phone.  I can understand that.  Of all the places we have trouble understanding each other… the phone is it.   He sounded cold as ice over IM.  I don’t know if that is how he really felt or not.  IM is simply words with no emotion or tone of voice to go along with it.


Tonight, I am supposed to go to his house as planned to see him.  I don’t know what to say or do.  To be honest, I am scared that I will misunderstand him and make him more upset than he already is.  It scares me even more than I care whether or not this relationship continues.  It is way too soon to care.  It should be like it was with Enrique.  For at least a month – after every date – I had absolutely no expectations that there would be another date.  That is the way a relationship should start – nice and casual and easy.  I was so proud of how I started my relationship with Enrique.  I thought I had grown out of my usual pattern and gotten wiser and smarter.  Usually my relationships start intense and hot – like fireworks – and they fizzle just as fast, usually with the accompanying boom.  This is exactly how this one started.   Instant attraction and instant connection.  The connection that we already have after just a few weeks has been starting to worry me more and more.  Wouldn’t it be great if that connection was because we were simply meant for each other?  Except that those kinds of connections are few and far between.  Usually those kinds of connections mean that you are in for a world of hurt that is out of proportion with the length of time that the relationship has been going on.


Here’s hoping that I figure out what to say and do and that I actually do the right thing.  Because good intentions are just not going to be good enough.

Back problems

For the last three weeks I have had major back problems.  I hurt my back over the July 4th weekend.  I am not sure how I did it but I have to assume that it was all the walking I did at the Smithsonian Folklife Festival.  Just as I was getting over that…. I pulled a muscle getting out of my chair at work a week ago last Friday.  I had been taking it very easy because I wanted to be able to heal to go to Canada to see my family. 
Saturday we hung around the house and did absolutely nothing.  I think we just talked the entire day.  We decided to go to the BBQ that my complex was having and afterwards we went for a little walk.  The walk couldn’t have been more than 2 miles.  We got home just in time to watch the Saturday night SCI-FI flick.  During the latter part of that flick my back and leg started hurting me like you wouldn’t believe.  I took some Advil and Eduardo applied some Icy Hot.  It simply didn’t matter… it hurt like you wouldn’t believe.  I could not find a single position that was comfortable to sleep in.  I ended up sleeping on the couch so I wouldn’t wake up Eduardo.  Sunday was not a very good day pain wise but we got the chores done and hung out for the rest of day.  I lost power right when we were going to start supper.  We ended up going out to a restaurant – selection based on the comfort of the seats.  I kid you not.  We knew that I would not be able to sit on a hard wooden chair with the way I was feeling.
Today I have been taking Advil and wishing that my office chair wasn’t so darned hard!  I ended up cancelling the trip to Canada and I think that was a good decision.  My back hurts and I am still having problems with pins and needles in both of my legs.  I definitely don’t want to be driving up there and discovering that my back is hurting me part of the way up… then having to look forward to the drive back.  I will rebook the vacation later in the summer when I am feeling better.