More and more often, I have been trying to figure out what level of detail is appropriate to put in my log. This has caused me to write less and in the case of last night… to totally delete what I wrote about 3 hours after I wrote it. How do I know when I am invading the privacy of anyone that I am writing about? And yet… I can’t not write about nobody. It is the part of my life that intersects with others that causes me to write. I want to put down my confusions and my thoughts so I can think more clearly on what I am feeling. I want to sort out that turmoil that is called my heart. And yet… the last thing I want to do is disrespect anyone that I have written about. I try to mostly focus on my feelings about the situation rather than ranting against the person I am confused about.
As I discovered last night…. even the best of intentions can go terribly wrong. It reminds me of something that my mom used to say, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” I always wondered what that meant. I am starting to wonder if it means that it doesn’t matter diddley squat about what your intentions are; you are simply judged by the outcome.
And that is what I believed happened to me last night. I made a mistake. I told Eduardo about the mistake because I wanted his advice on what I should do. So I suppose I compounded my first error in judgment with a second. According to Eduardo, I disrespected him and our relationship and I shouldn’t expect any respect from him in return. Now my mistake is not in any way related to my blogging but I said what I said above to explain the total lack of detail about the mistake and the resulting conversation. I had no intention whatsoever of hurting Eduardo, disrespecting him nor did I even mean to show him through my actions that I did not think our relationship was important but apparently that is what I did. I have apologized to Eduardo for what I did. I tried to explain to him that I thought I was doing the best thing in a situation that I didn’t know how to handle. He simply said these were bad excuses for my behavior.
All of this was done over IM. Not the best of places to handle a misunderstanding but he didn’t want to talk to me over the phone. I can understand that. Of all the places we have trouble understanding each other… the phone is it. He sounded cold as ice over IM. I don’t know if that is how he really felt or not. IM is simply words with no emotion or tone of voice to go along with it.
Tonight, I am supposed to go to his house as planned to see him. I don’t know what to say or do. To be honest, I am scared that I will misunderstand him and make him more upset than he already is. It scares me even more than I care whether or not this relationship continues. It is way too soon to care. It should be like it was with Enrique. For at least a month – after every date – I had absolutely no expectations that there would be another date. That is the way a relationship should start – nice and casual and easy. I was so proud of how I started my relationship with Enrique. I thought I had grown out of my usual pattern and gotten wiser and smarter. Usually my relationships start intense and hot – like fireworks – and they fizzle just as fast, usually with the accompanying boom. This is exactly how this one started. Instant attraction and instant connection. The connection that we already have after just a few weeks has been starting to worry me more and more. Wouldn’t it be great if that connection was because we were simply meant for each other? Except that those kinds of connections are few and far between. Usually those kinds of connections mean that you are in for a world of hurt that is out of proportion with the length of time that the relationship has been going on.
Here’s hoping that I figure out what to say and do and that I actually do the right thing. Because good intentions are just not going to be good enough.