Monthly Archives: August 2006

Déjà vu?

I do not understand the way that people think.   I do not understand the dynamics of relationships.  This might explain why I suck at relationships – friendships and otherwise.  I am a pleaser.  I often twist myself inside-out to be friends or a lover or whatever the relationship might be.  You would think that a pleaser would be able to please the people that she is in a relationship with.  And yet… I appear to be totally incapable of holding most relationships together.  

In my last post, I told you that I called Eduardo by Enrique’s name.  He didn’t seem to get upset and I thought that he had actually laughed.  Although I was totally mortified by what I had done, he didn’t seem to be too bothered by it.  Imagine my relief that he wasn’t upset by this major faux pas.  

I couldn’t pick him up on Friday because of a dentist appointment but he arranged for a friend to drive him to my house.  I thought this was a good sign because it felt like he was making an effort.  Up until now, I had always gone down to where he lived to see him.  On weekends, I picked him up on Fridays and dropped him off on Sundays. 

The weekend went like every other weekend.  We watched movies, we ate together, we walked, we talked and we did other mundane things together like fixed the water taps in my tub.  We divulged some things about ourselves that were very private.  He told me that he loved me.  Wow!  I was on cloud nine because I already felt this way.   This whole relationship has been totally unexpected especially in the way we have seemed to have found an instant connection to each other.  We even set a date to consider living together.  I know, it seems like it is moving quick but at the time it just seemed right.

On Monday, we talked on the phone and the conversation was only 30 minutes long but that was because I was just about falling asleep on him.  Then last night, I called him.  Before I knew it, he was telling me that it wasn’t his fault if the relationship ended because he treated me well and it wasn’t his fault that we were fighting.  That was my first clue that we were even fighting.  He was upset about me calling him Enrique.  This had totally taken me by surprise given the events of the weekend.   If this upset him so much, why wasn’t he talking to me about it on the weekend?  Why did he admit to his feelings? Was he acting?  Was he truthful? If he was acting… he could have won an Oscar because he certainly fooled me.  I never would have suspected that my mistake was so bad that he was actually thinking about ending the relationship.  In fact, on the weekend, he told me to not worry about him leaving me.  He would only leave if I did something really bad.  Never once, did he let on that I already had done that bad thing.

What surprised me more was some of the things that he said about me.  I know that he was upset but I couldn’t believe some of the things that he was thinking.  He said that he wondered if I was using him to forget Enrique. He wondered if I just enjoyed making him suffer.  He wondered if I was lying about my feelings.  And of course he said the dreaded words, “You are a good woman but….”  I don’t think he finished the sentence but he didn’t need to.  You know how it ends.

So I asked him if he wanted to see me the next night as planned.  He said if I wanted to.  I asked him what he wanted and he just repeated it.  I told him I would call him tonight before I left work and make sure that he wanted to see me before I come down.   I think I need to hear the words that he wants to see me.  If he doesn’t want to see me, what is the point of me going? To beg him to continue the relationship? I did that with Enrique.  The relationship lasted another 6 weeks or less.  No relationship will last unless both people are committed to it.  Believe me, I have been there when only one person – me – was interested in maintaining the relationship.   Somehow, I need the wisdom and strength to stand up and do the right thing.  If he isn’t committed to the relationship because of the things that I have done then I need to walk away.  I need to acknowledge that I screwed up and hope that I learned some lessons in this relationship that I can use in the future. 

Doesn’t this sound like déjà vu?  At least this time, I managed to keep my mouth shut about my happiness, so if it tanks, I won’t have to embarrass myself by explaining how yet another supposedly amazing  relationship suddenly ended – AGAIN.   

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Happy…. Happy…. Happy…. Insecure?

I think my blogging is going to be more infrequent.  For any faithful readers, I apologize.  I am back in school and I know if I log on for just a minute, that minute will turn into an hour or more and my homework will not get done.  My 2 nights of homework are very important because I want to do most of my homework when I am NOT with Eduardo.  This is going to be impossible because this class has an incredible amount of work in it but I am going to do the best that I can.

 

I am very happy with Eduardo.  He always wants to talk to me or see me.  He loves spending time with me and I love spending time with him.  Live seems so much more complete when I am with him.  Last weekend we watched a couple of movies – one of our favourite pastimes.  This week was “How to lose a man in 10 days” and “Narnia”.  The first movie was an excellent move which we both loved.  We also liked Narnia but not to the same degree.  While we were watching “10 days”, we snacked on hummus and babaganoush(sp?) with white wine.  We bought a bottle of wine based on the picture on the front.  I kid you not.  It was excellent wine from a Virginian winery which I highly recommend.  It was called “Our Dog Blue” from Chateau Morrisette.  We didn’t do very much on Saturday or Sunday.  On Saturday, we played Scrabble in Spanish and I kicked his ass again!!!!  He is determined to beat me and I always tease him that he won’t beat me for a couple of years.   I love playing board games and apparently so does he.

 

So why am I insecure?  I am crazy about Eduardo… he seems to be just as crazy about me.  But I rarely talk about him with my friends except to comment on things we have done.  I don’t say anything about how I feel, how serious we are or how I think he feels about me.  Why not?  I have this paranoid fear that I will jinx the relationship by coming out with my happiness and talking about my feelings.   How many times in the past have I said how great I thought something was starting out or how great I thought a relationship was going and the relationship suddenly ended?

 

I am scared that I will do something he doesn’t like and he will just disappear.  Last night, I called him Enrique.  I have no idea why.  I wasn’t thinking of Enrique at that moment or probably even that entire day and yet it came out.  Unfortunately, he noticed.  I was mortified.  I pray that he doesn’t think that I am confusing him and Enrique.  There is a world of difference between the two men.  If I can make this kind of slip… what other type of mistake can I make? Relationships are so fragile.  This could end as suddenly as it started.  So I worry that I do not have what it takes to keep a good man like Eduardo.

 

Excuses… excuses

I have been busy.  I suppose if someone was to look at my life they would say I am busy doing nothing because in some respects that is true.  In reality, I do quite a bit of nothing with Eduardo.  We talk. We go walking.  We sometimes go out to eat.  We watch movies.  We just hang out snuggling and being quiet.  But none of these activities are exactly conducive to hopping up and blogging.  And nor do I want to be writing in my blog when I am with him.  I want to make the most of every moment I am with him.  These moments are precious to me and I miss him very much when I am not with him.  It is obvious that I am head over heels for him. 
 
This weekend, Eduardo and I threw a dinner party.  I can honestly say this was a joint effort.  Friday night we went together and found a few speciality items at a latino mercado in Manassas.  We should have picked up the red chilies there… little did we know!  Saturday we got up a little late.  We went out shopping and got everything but the red chilies.  We spent an HOUR! Yes… AN HOUR! trying to find them.  Of course this put me another hour behind schedule.  Eduardo was a real trouper and spent 2.5 hours in the kitchen helping me out.  Mostly he cut things up but there was a A LOT of stuff to cut up for salsa and tomato sauce and salad.  We had a hispanic style dinner.  I invited my best friend Rosi and her husband Merle and another good friend Neil and his girlfriend Mandy.  It was the first time that I had met Mandy.  She seems like a very nice woman and I hope that everything works out well for Neil.  During the dinner he did not say very much.  I expected that but I had hoped that he would say more.
 
During the weekend, we saw two movies – Hostel and Amores Perros.  Hostel was really disturbing and actually gave me nightmares.  Amores Perros was a very good movie and I would recommend it to anyone.  The rest of the weekend we spent doing little things together like looking over pictures of me when I was little, talking and spending time on the balcony.  Our weekends go by so quickly.  The minutes feel like seconds and the hours like minutes.  Before you know it, it is Sunday night and we are going back to Manassas lost in our own thoughts.  The drive is always quiet and always sad.
 
I saw him last night and I will see him tonight.  Tomorrow is my volunteer night and then the weekend is here again!!!
 

Interracial Relationships

I have been happy and content for the last couple of days.  I discovered that Eduardo feels the same way as me.  That has certainly helped lessen the struggle between the heart and the head.  Maybe I’m wrong but I feel like he is a very special man and I am so glad that I met him.  What a happy accident!!

I love spending time with him even if it is just on IM because we can’t see each other that night.  We usually don’t do anything special with our time.  We often go out walking around the neighbourhood or eat at some inexpensive restaurant.  The other night we went to Global Foods (an Asian/Hispanic market) and ate at a little pupuseria inside.  Which brings me to a different topic….

In Washington, DC there are so many different nationalities.  Despite that, I don’t think I see a lot of interracial couples.  I see some but it is not very many.  So we go into Global Foods which of course does not have a single white person inside – bueno… except for me.  And it seems clear that not too many white people actually venture inside because just about every person inside has taken it upon themselves to stare at us.  The woman at the cash register hears Eduardo speaking to me in Spanish and asks if I understand him.  Can this really be that unusual?  I got talking to Eduardo while we were waiting for our food and he says that we get stared at all the time.  I just don’t notice it because we are in the white world and I feel comfortable there.  And that evening… he didn’t notice the stares because we were in his world and he was comfortable there.   I thought it was kind of interesting that we are oblivious to what is going on around us as we move around in our little world.  It is only as we step outside of our comfort zone that we notice that the others around us are also not comfortable.

I suppose our desire to stick with our own kind is what makes up these little ethnic neighbourhoods.  I don’t know if you see it in other places but I have noticed it in Toronto and in Washington, DC.  Toronto has Little Italy and a really large Chinatown.  In DC, there are areas which are definitely Hispanic.  I didn’t realize how many Hispanic people lived in Manassas.  Of course, until now, I hadn’t actually spent any time in Manassas.  I also found out that a huge Hispanic population lives around Bailey’s CrossRoads.  To some degree you feel like you have entered a different world as you look at the different stores and restaurants and signs in Spanish.  If our tendency is to stick to our own kind, why do some people cross over into a different ethnic group?  Why do I?  Unfortunately, I don’t have an answer for that.

Head vs Heart

I have been rereading my blog.  When I started the blog, one of the purposes was to put my thoughts down in black and white so that I could go back to them and reread them if necessary.  Maybe I would learn something by going back in time and seeing what I was worrying/thinking about. Up until now, I really haven’t done much reading of old entries that are more than 1 or 2 days old.

 

My relationship with Eduardo is upsetting me.  The funny part is not because I think that there is anything wrong with the relationship.  On the contrary, I am very happy with Eduardo.  He is affectionate, patient, kind and gentle.  He is handsome/sexy and everything else that would likely make me happy with him in any type of intimacy.  He is funny and seems to have the same sense of humour that I do.  He seems to want the same things from life that I want.  The worst thing I can say about him at the moment is that he steals the covers at night and communication can be difficult.

 

So why isn’t this girl happy???  Here goes…

My head and heart are not in agreement these days.  I think I am so focused on how few weeks we have known each other because I care so much more for him than just ‘liking him’.   Love?  I suppose it could be love or at least the beginning of love.   I think if I left my heart to make the decision it would be like – move that man in right now!  I want to spend the rest of my days with him.  And that sentiment scares my head silly because it is not a logical/practical feeling – or at least my head says that is not logical or practical.  When I ask myself how long is long enough to know if another person is right for you… I have no answer.  I am fairly certain I don’t need 15 years but would my head be happy with 2 weeks? 2 months? 2 years?  And of course there is the risk of declaring your love and having the other person say… Ummm… you know what?  I don’t feel the same way.  My heart of course would throw caution to the wind and say… of course he loves me… how could he not? Ever the optimist is my heart.  Meanwhile, my head is reminding me of all the other relationships that went bad. 

I am sure that Elle can understand what I am saying.  Can anyone else?

 

 

And back on track….

It has been difficult to give updates because I am just so busy after work that I am not near my computer.  I realize that I might be leaving some worried folks out there wondering what is up with me and for that… I apologize.

I was still pretty rattled on Thursday over what happened the previous night.  The primary reason is that the ‘nothing’ that I felt wasn’t because I felt nothing for him.  It was because I felt too much for him and thinking I would have to walk away from that just made everything shut down.   We have known each other for just over 5 weeks.  In some ways, I have felt like I have known him forever.  Has it really only been 5 weeks?  And I count the weeks and see that it has been.  I have too keep reminding myself that it has been JUST 5 weeks and there is still so much more to find out about him.  Despite feeling like I have known him forever, I also feel like I know very little about him.  So, on Thursday, I decided to go see him.  I helped him run some errands that he needed to do and then we just talked – as in serious talked.  I think that got us back on track.

Friday, I picked him up and we watched a movie.  We saw Tristan and Isolde.  What a fantastic movie!!!  Unfortunately it did not have the happiest ending so I was every sad at the end of it.  So what did my honey do?  Instead of rushing into intimacy, he let me set the pace and we just touched and kissed for a very long time.  What a total sweetheart!   

Saturday was the day of the company picnic so we spent the afternoon there.  I played a couple of games of volleyball while Eduardo watched.  I didn’t want to get a bunch of sand in my shoes so I took off my socks and shoes and played in bare feet.  This might not have been the wisest decision.  Believe it or not, I burned the bottom of my feet!!!!!  Saturday night was a little painful.  We had dinner out on the balcony then sat and talked until like 10pm.  Originally, we were going to watch a movie but we agreed that it was such a perfect night to be out that we didn’t want to waste it.  Eventually, we played a couple of games of Yahtzee by candlelight and Eduardo killed me.  He was quite pleased about that.

We started out Sunday with watching the second movie of the weekend.  “Raise the Red Lantern” was an older Chinese movie.  It was very good in the sense that it showed a fair bit of the culture but the ending was extremely unsatisfying. And then… on to chores.  Eduardo dusted while I cleaned the bathroom.  He also helped me de-infest a plant that has some kind of bug.  We did groceries together and cooked together.  As per usual, the ride home was as quiet as a tomb.  We just don’t talk.  We took a long time saying good bye *sigh*

We made the decision to host a dinner party in the next couple of weeks.  We picked out the menu and invited the first couple.  We are waiting to hear back from them about their schedule before continuing on with the invitations.  Somehow it felt totally right that we were sitting out on the balcony with me talking to my friend Rosi.  It felt like we were winding down from a busy weekend.  What didn’t feel right was driving him home afterwards.

And on a totally different note… my ex did pay back what he owed.  I feel a lot better to know that I didn’t make a mistake in judgment.

 

Emotional whiplash

I have no idea what to make of my relationship with Eduardo. 

On Tuesday night, he was really sad.  He wouldn’t tell me why exactly.  He did say that he was worried and scared about our relationship but basically denied that anything was wrong.  Last night, when I walked into his house, I could tell that he had something important to tell me.  In fact, I definitely got the feeling that the something important was not good news.  He didn’t want to tell me so I let it slide.  I figured he would tell me in his own time.  He didn’t really talk much and I didn’t push him. 

We went for a walk and after the walk he talked again about how he couldn’t talk to me.  I finally told him how frustrated I was by him telling me that I wouldn’t understand him when he didn’t even TRY.  So he talked to me about how he was scared about his feelings for me.  He was afraid that he would turn into a man that would forgive me for anything and everything that I did.  Thinking back to Enrique and Leonardo…. I told him that I understood about that fear.  Then he talked again about how stupid he was.  I thought maybe he was talking about going to church or being a gentleman.  How wrong I was…. he finally told me that what he felt stupid about was continuing the relationship after the mistake I made.   After talking some more about it, I could see how totally angry he still was at me. 

I could feel the two sides struggling within me.  There was the part that wanted to beg him to continue – that was the part that really liked him and then there was the other part that was regretfully acknowledging that I had screwed up what could have been a good thing.  And for once, I actually did the right thing.  I told him that if he couldn’t forgive me then it was pointless to continue the relationship.   I was really sorry for what I had done but it was obvious that I had really messed things up.  Then, I stood up to leave.  He was standing in front of me.  I gave him a hug and then said out loud without thinking, “Wow, I thought I would feel different”.  Because I did think it would feel different… I didn’t think that all I would feel inside is absolutely nothing.  

He asked me to wait.  So I did…. Because I needed to ask him for the books that he borrowed from me.   I am not exactly sure what he said at this point to me but he said that he didn’t want me to leave.  He also asked me if I wanted to end the relationship.  When I said no, he asked why I was going to do it.  And I responded back with something like having to do things you don’t want to do sometimes.   He told me that he had forgiven me.  What he was trying to tell me was that he wouldn’t forgive the same mistake twice.   And I just started crying…. the emotional overload was just too much.  He apologized for making me cry.  We talked more afterwards until we realized how late it was and I had to go home. 

We are still together but I feel differently today.  I think that my feelings got a little damaged in the few minutes in which I thought our relationship was over.  Probably the best thing for me to do is continue forward with care.