I have no idea what to make of my relationship with Eduardo.
On Tuesday night, he was really sad. He wouldn’t tell me why exactly. He did say that he was worried and scared about our relationship but basically denied that anything was wrong. Last night, when I walked into his house, I could tell that he had something important to tell me. In fact, I definitely got the feeling that the something important was not good news. He didn’t want to tell me so I let it slide. I figured he would tell me in his own time. He didn’t really talk much and I didn’t push him.
We went for a walk and after the walk he talked again about how he couldn’t talk to me. I finally told him how frustrated I was by him telling me that I wouldn’t understand him when he didn’t even TRY. So he talked to me about how he was scared about his feelings for me. He was afraid that he would turn into a man that would forgive me for anything and everything that I did. Thinking back to Enrique and Leonardo…. I told him that I understood about that fear. Then he talked again about how stupid he was. I thought maybe he was talking about going to church or being a gentleman. How wrong I was…. he finally told me that what he felt stupid about was continuing the relationship after the mistake I made. After talking some more about it, I could see how totally angry he still was at me.
I could feel the two sides struggling within me. There was the part that wanted to beg him to continue – that was the part that really liked him and then there was the other part that was regretfully acknowledging that I had screwed up what could have been a good thing. And for once, I actually did the right thing. I told him that if he couldn’t forgive me then it was pointless to continue the relationship. I was really sorry for what I had done but it was obvious that I had really messed things up. Then, I stood up to leave. He was standing in front of me. I gave him a hug and then said out loud without thinking, “Wow, I thought I would feel different”. Because I did think it would feel different… I didn’t think that all I would feel inside is absolutely nothing.
He asked me to wait. So I did…. Because I needed to ask him for the books that he borrowed from me. I am not exactly sure what he said at this point to me but he said that he didn’t want me to leave. He also asked me if I wanted to end the relationship. When I said no, he asked why I was going to do it. And I responded back with something like having to do things you don’t want to do sometimes. He told me that he had forgiven me. What he was trying to tell me was that he wouldn’t forgive the same mistake twice. And I just started crying…. the emotional overload was just too much. He apologized for making me cry. We talked more afterwards until we realized how late it was and I had to go home.
We are still together but I feel differently today. I think that my feelings got a little damaged in the few minutes in which I thought our relationship was over. Probably the best thing for me to do is continue forward with care.