I do not understand the way that people think. I do not understand the dynamics of relationships. This might explain why I suck at relationships – friendships and otherwise. I am a pleaser. I often twist myself inside-out to be friends or a lover or whatever the relationship might be. You would think that a pleaser would be able to please the people that she is in a relationship with. And yet… I appear to be totally incapable of holding most relationships together.
In my last post, I told you that I called Eduardo by Enrique’s name. He didn’t seem to get upset and I thought that he had actually laughed. Although I was totally mortified by what I had done, he didn’t seem to be too bothered by it. Imagine my relief that he wasn’t upset by this major faux pas.
I couldn’t pick him up on Friday because of a dentist appointment but he arranged for a friend to drive him to my house. I thought this was a good sign because it felt like he was making an effort. Up until now, I had always gone down to where he lived to see him. On weekends, I picked him up on Fridays and dropped him off on Sundays.
The weekend went like every other weekend. We watched movies, we ate together, we walked, we talked and we did other mundane things together like fixed the water taps in my tub. We divulged some things about ourselves that were very private. He told me that he loved me. Wow! I was on cloud nine because I already felt this way. This whole relationship has been totally unexpected especially in the way we have seemed to have found an instant connection to each other. We even set a date to consider living together. I know, it seems like it is moving quick but at the time it just seemed right.
On Monday, we talked on the phone and the conversation was only 30 minutes long but that was because I was just about falling asleep on him. Then last night, I called him. Before I knew it, he was telling me that it wasn’t his fault if the relationship ended because he treated me well and it wasn’t his fault that we were fighting. That was my first clue that we were even fighting. He was upset about me calling him Enrique. This had totally taken me by surprise given the events of the weekend. If this upset him so much, why wasn’t he talking to me about it on the weekend? Why did he admit to his feelings? Was he acting? Was he truthful? If he was acting… he could have won an Oscar because he certainly fooled me. I never would have suspected that my mistake was so bad that he was actually thinking about ending the relationship. In fact, on the weekend, he told me to not worry about him leaving me. He would only leave if I did something really bad. Never once, did he let on that I already had done that bad thing.
What surprised me more was some of the things that he said about me. I know that he was upset but I couldn’t believe some of the things that he was thinking. He said that he wondered if I was using him to forget Enrique. He wondered if I just enjoyed making him suffer. He wondered if I was lying about my feelings. And of course he said the dreaded words, “You are a good woman but….” I don’t think he finished the sentence but he didn’t need to. You know how it ends.
So I asked him if he wanted to see me the next night as planned. He said if I wanted to. I asked him what he wanted and he just repeated it. I told him I would call him tonight before I left work and make sure that he wanted to see me before I come down. I think I need to hear the words that he wants to see me. If he doesn’t want to see me, what is the point of me going? To beg him to continue the relationship? I did that with Enrique. The relationship lasted another 6 weeks or less. No relationship will last unless both people are committed to it. Believe me, I have been there when only one person – me – was interested in maintaining the relationship. Somehow, I need the wisdom and strength to stand up and do the right thing. If he isn’t committed to the relationship because of the things that I have done then I need to walk away. I need to acknowledge that I screwed up and hope that I learned some lessons in this relationship that I can use in the future.
Doesn’t this sound like déjà vu? At least this time, I managed to keep my mouth shut about my happiness, so if it tanks, I won’t have to embarrass myself by explaining how yet another supposedly amazing relationship suddenly ended – AGAIN.