Monthly Archives: September 2006

Carry-on baggage

The first week is almost done.  I have survived the new schedule.  Already, I am getting used to the alarm clock going off much earlier than normal.  My man of few words turns into a man of no words in the morning.  That is fine by me because I am not much of a talker in the morning either.

 

Tuesday, I dropped him off near home and went off to visit Senor Campos.  He was going to take advantage of his time alone to talk to his kids on the computer.   I arrived home to find him chatting with his friends.   I microwaved leftovers for supper and set his supper down in front of him because he was still chatting.  He chatted for another hour with his friends.  And during that hour, I got the surprise of my life…. I got really upset by him chatting with his friends. 

 

I have spent the last few days thinking about how upset I was by this very simple thing.  After all, there is no reason for me to be upset by him spending an hour on the computer but I think it simply hit too close to home.  I thought that after all this time; the baggage from my marriage would have been packed up and thrown from the train.  Not so it appears.  I have found a couple of pieces hiding under the seat labeled fear.  I am scared that Eduardo will start to ignore me or take me for granted.  That I will once again end up making lunches, making supper, cleaning up and doing all the other chores that are necessary to keep life moving on and he will simply play on his computer, watch TV or do whatever.  And my dream of a partnership will slowly crumble into dust.  That one hour brought back all my fears that I will repeat the mistake of my marriage.  I had best get that baggage out from under the seat before I sabotage this relationship.

 

Think about it… one hour does not make a man.  He has shown me in a million different ways that he is involved in this relationship.  He always helps me with supper, groceries and laundry.   Once, I asked him if he wanted ice cream and when he said yes… I said… its in the kitchen honey…. And he went out and got us a bit of ice cream for dessert and all he did was laugh.  Not a single complaint was made.  All I need to do is ask him if he will help me with something and he jumps up and does it.  He is not perfect.  Tuesday night I asked him to take the frozen vegetables out of the freezer and put them on the counter to thaw out.  They were still in the freezer when I got home later.  One day… I am sure he will find something missing from his lunch because I was in a hurry and I forgot something.

 

Relationships need nurturing to survive the early morning wake-ups,  the endless stream of chores, bad days at work, being kept up by the cats and all the other things that fall into our laps.  I definitely feel nurtured by him.  I hope he feels the same way about me.         

Advertisements

The price of love

Both of us commented this morning that this was the price of live.  What exactly was this??  This is the alarm clock going off at 5:40am in the morning.  For me, this is almost 2.5 hours earlier than I am used to.  The majority of the week, my alarm clock used to be set for 8am.  For him, he used to wake up at 6:30am.  The adjustment is not as severe but nonetheless I think he was feeling it.  I truly feel like I am living in a different time zone than I was.  I can’t remember the last time I had to get up so early in the morning that I left my house when it was still dark.  And I am so not at my best in the morning.  I warned Eduardo that I was quiet and didn’t talk very much.  In fact, my social skills that early in the morning are so pitiful that I know I blew the introductions to his friend. 
 
So I dropped him off, went to the gym – and yes, it was as painful as I thought it would be – and went to work for 8:30.  3 hours later and my brain cells are still only operating one at a time.  I am so unbelievably tired despite going to bed at 10:15 last night.  My entire goal is to simply get to the end of my work day without making any mistakes.

Big Changes

Big changes are upcoming in my life…. starting today.
 
Tonight, Eduardo moves in.  It is something we have been discussing for a while and it has been in the works for a couple of weeks.  I didn’t really discuss it because you never know if something is going to happen or not.  Why get all excited and tell people about this big event in your life if the big event never happens?  Without a doubt,  I have gotten shy about announcing things only to have to unannounce them later.  Since Eduardo has given away his bed and slept on the floor last night, I think we can be certain that he isn’t going to change his mind.
 
I am still a little nervous about sharing my space with him.  The logical side of me is still making a token protest about how fast our relationship is going.  My heart is saying, "Oh shut up already!  It feels right and we are doing it."  And my heart is right.  It does feel like it is the right thing to do.  I never had any problems coming home to my condo with just Timmie to greet me.  It welcomed me each night and I enjoyed being there – alone.  If I wanted company, I simply invited someone over or went out to hang out with someone.  I never felt any compulsion to share that space with Enrique.  But lately, I haven’t been as happy to come home to my condo.  It still welcomed me but more and more it felt like something was missing when I walked in the door.  That something was Eduardo.
 
So…. starting tonight, the condo will be welcoming both of us home each and every day.

Torture

It is not too often that I speak on political issues because in general, I don’t feel too strongly about most political issues.  One President or Prime Minister has about the same likelihood of screwing over the average man as the next one.

But I read both of these articles in today’s Washington Post:

The first article is an opinion article about Bush’s desire to push through an American re-interpretation of the Geneva convention. This legislation will allow the US to ‘interrogate’ anyone that the US considers a high-value suspect – much like the innocent man that is mentioned in the second article.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/09/18/AR2006091800995.html

This second article is about a Canadian Muslim that was erroneously identified as having an al Quaeda connection by Canadian authorities which was passed on to American officials.  On his return from a business trip in the US, he was detained by American authorities and whisked off to one of the CIA torture prisons in Syria.  He was kept there for 10 months under the exact program that Bush wants to legislate into permanent existence.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/09/18/AR2006091800883.html

Have I missed the boat here?  Am I the only one that thinks that we are going backwards here?  Let’s face it… mistakes happen.  I think this is clearly seen in the justice system right here in the US and Canada.  Let us think about Steven Truscott who was finally cleared of all charges after being in prison for years.  Or how about the reports on the Virginian justice system which showed that black suspects had a higher chance of ending up on death row than white suspects.  What about those people who have been cleared by DNA testing? Mistakes are costing these people their lives or at the very least their emotional, physical and mental health.  I can’t imagine that Mr. Arar survived 10 months of torture without some type of cost that he will carry for the rest of his life.

I think before Mr. Bush thinks about legislating torture, he should consider what a mistake can do to someone identified as a ‘high-value’ suspect.  Before we go about saying it is ok to destroy someone’s life, we should take a second to think about what that means.  And we should consider what our re-interpretation will mean to other countries who might be more than happy to circumvent the Geneva convention when it suits them.  After all, that is what we are trying to do isn’t it? 

 

Communication revisited – again!

Sometimes my honey drives me nuts. He asks a question – usually an important question like – “Are you happy with our sex life?” And you know that there is a reason for this question but will he come right out and say it?  Of course not!!!  He beats around the bush until he has totally upset you because you think that he is hiding something that he doesn’t want to tell you… like… “You are the worst lover I have ever had” And after finally prying the information out of him you find out it is nothing at all like you thought although what he had to say was important.  You ask him why he just won’t come out and tell you what is on his mind and he responds back, “es dificil”.  Of course it is difficult! And he certainly doesn’t make it easier. 

Eduardo says he is simple.  I am starting to think he is simply complicated.  A lot of things go on his mind and he is far from a simple guy.  At the bottom, he might be simple. By this, I mean that he wants basic, simple things from life like a job, a family, a roof over his head and food on the table.  On top of this simple base is layered a complex man. 

I have to admit that I am head over heels for this complex man.  Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming.  We agree on so many things although I think we are very different people.  We certainly think differently… that is for sure.  When I am with him, I feel content and at peace.  When I am not with him, I think of him all the time.  Mostly those thoughts are simple thoughts like the way he puts his arms around me or an expression on his face or something he said.  I miss him terribly when I am not with him.  He seems like he could be the partner I am looking for.  He helps with groceries, putting the dishes away, cleaning the house, the laundry and even helps me with cooking.  I want someone to help me with everything… not just enjoy the fun things.  He sits with his arm around me and watches TV while I do homework.  He is funny and makes me laugh.  He is also serious too.  He will talk about anything and we often watch shows that are informational and talk about what we see.

I still see some heated discussions in our future.  I am not sure if it is because we think differently, the cultural differences or the language issue but we do have problems understanding the other person.  I don’t mean that we don’t understand the words that come out of each others mouths.  We don’t understand or maybe trust the meaning or intent of the other person’s words.  We have difficulty understanding what the other person mean by the words they are saying and as a result we have gotten upset.  I know that I have had to explain the same thing several times to Eduardo because he doesn’t believe what I am saying because it is not within his experience.  And he too has had to repeat things he has said before because I don’t really understand what he is trying to tell me.  Sure… I understand the words but there is more to communication than just the words that are said.   

I am not dissuaded by these difficulties.  Eventually, we do come to some kind of understanding of the other person.  When one of us talks, the other person really tries to listen.  When we upset the other person, in general, we are able to correct it because we want to understand and we want the other person to understand.

Nuestra relacion vale la pena – Our relationship is worth it.

A quick update

Wow!  It has been over a week since I last posted.  Time flies!  The long weekend was very busy.  On Saturday, I tried to study and we had a family BBQ.  On Sunday, I tried to do even more studying.  I ended up reading a total of 300 pages out of 500.  I wanted to do the whole 500 but I wasn’t expecting the English to be so convoluted and difficult to read.  On Monday, I drove back sick.  I didn’t realize this but I realized this soon enough on Tuesday when I tried to get out of bed.  I got to see Eduardo on Monday night.  We didn’t do anything special.  He helped me with laundry and groceries and kept me company while I made up some food for my lunches. 

Tuesday I was sick and stayed on the couch reading all day.  The only thing I did was go to class because I had a presentation worth 10% of my mark.  I figured I should probably show up so I didn’t get the big 0 on the project.  Wednesday, I saw Eduardo.  Thursday, I saw Eduardo.  We decided to get him a cell phone because it was starting to be a pain to call his friend’s home phone so we are sharing a family plan which is cheaper than 2 separate cell phone plans.

On Friday, I picked up Eduardo.  We saw the movie, Frailty, but didn’t particularly like it.  Saturday, sadly, was spent doing homework.  I read most of the rest of my novel and then we watched Cabeza de Vaca.  Let’s just say that if it wasn’t for the fact that I HAD to watch it for class… we wouldn’t have finished it.  After that, we headed out to a party at Eduardo’s friend.  It was a little weird to be in an environment in which I couldn’t really speak to anyone.  Now I know how Eduardo feels when he is with my friends.  The big reason is because the music was fairly loud so people could dance but it impacted my ability to hear people and of course, in a foreign language, I need things to be quiet around me to understand it.  I still had a good time because I was with Eduardo.  Sunday, I finished reading my novel.  Sunday always seems to zoom by.  I can not explain what the problem is with Sunday but our awake hours go by so fast that we almost never accomplish anything.  We did take a walk and explore some of the neighbourhood.

We had a couple of moments of silence yesterday at work in remembrance of September 11th.  Saturday, we saw a documentary on the attack on the World Trade Center.    It was really quite tragic.  Did you know that announcements told people to go back upstairs in the south building after the north building had been hit?  Some of the people that were turned back at the lobby never made it back out of the building.  What I didn’t realize until then was that all of the people in the south tower (I think) that weren’t killed (or trapped) by the impact could have made it out.  Although Staircase B and C were destroyed, Staircase A was intact and everyone could have walked down it.  The other tragic thing was that rescuers apparently leave disabled people at staging areas that are supposed to be safe while they rescue others.  In one of the towers, people were left at Floors 6 and 21.  Imagine… 6 floors from freedom…. Unfortunately, they died when the buildings collapsed.  Very few disabled people made it out of the twin towers alive because of this strategy.  It was such an incredibly sad documentary to watch yet at the same time it was incredibly uplifting because of heroes that rescued people that might never have made it out otherwise.

 I never understood how people could know where they were and what they were doing at the exact moment that some historic moment happened.  For example, people often say they remember where they were when Kennedy was assassinated or the space shuttle exploded.  Now I understand because I know exactly where I was when I first heard the news.

One Year Anniversary

One year ago today, I wrote my first blog entry.  When I began, I didn’t know what would come of it.  I had hoped that by writing about my confusions and thoughts, I would get more insight into them than just having my thoughts running around in my head.  I think I accomplished that.  It is easier to let go of my worries once I write about them.  Before, I would keep revisiting them over and over and over.  Now, when I want to revisit my worries, I simply need to reread my entry.  More often than not,  I think to myself that my blog entry reflects how I feel.  What a relief to have those worries lifted from my shoulders!
 
I haven’t read a lot of my old entries but this week I spent some time reading the first few months.  I was wondering if I was writing about anything different now than I was last year.  Have I grown? moved on? changed my life?  Sadly, I still see the same themes in my writing.  I see pain and confusion and worry.  I still struggle with relationships and how to build a successful relationship and find a man that is good for me.  Will those concerns ever go away?  I hope so.  I hope that one day I can say that I feel confident in my relationships.
 
On the flip side… I do see change.  I bought a condo and it is the one place in which I feel at home and relatively at peace.  It is a place in which I belong.  I have often felt like I don’t belong whether I think about my church, my work or the city in which I live.   There are still many places in which I feel like I step to the beat of a different drummer but I now have my own corner where my drumbeat reigns.
 
I think I am making better decisions regarding relationships.  I am more willing to realize that relationships don’t have to mean work.  Yes, work is necessary to nurture them but I shouldn’t be working to make them fit me.  The relationship should just fit or it is not the correct relationship.  Unfortunately, I am still "a good woman" but not THE woman for the few men that have been in my life in the last year.  Eduardo calls me a good woman although he says he won’t be stupid enough to give up the good woman.  I have made mistakes over the last year but I think I have gotten smarter.  Unfortunately, smarter has also gone hand-in-hand with being more wary and less trusting.  I still struggle in this area but I think that I have made some baby steps in the right direction.
 
I have also gained friends through this blog.  I don’t think I expected to have readers much less find a connection with any other bloggers.  Perhaps fellow bloggers don’t fit the traditional viewpoint of friends but nontheless their comments are welcomed and I look forward to reading their blogs and sharing their lives.
 
I don’t know what I expect from the next year but at least I am looking forward to it.  I am not so sure that I was looking forward to life this same time last year.  I felt lost and unable to find the path to my future.  The path is still obscured but I feel like I can at least see it under my feet.  Perhaps this time next year I will be on the path with a partner.