One year ago today, I wrote my first blog entry. When I began, I didn’t know what would come of it. I had hoped that by writing about my confusions and thoughts, I would get more insight into them than just having my thoughts running around in my head. I think I accomplished that. It is easier to let go of my worries once I write about them. Before, I would keep revisiting them over and over and over. Now, when I want to revisit my worries, I simply need to reread my entry. More often than not, I think to myself that my blog entry reflects how I feel. What a relief to have those worries lifted from my shoulders!
I haven’t read a lot of my old entries but this week I spent some time reading the first few months. I was wondering if I was writing about anything different now than I was last year. Have I grown? moved on? changed my life? Sadly, I still see the same themes in my writing. I see pain and confusion and worry. I still struggle with relationships and how to build a successful relationship and find a man that is good for me. Will those concerns ever go away? I hope so. I hope that one day I can say that I feel confident in my relationships.
On the flip side… I do see change. I bought a condo and it is the one place in which I feel at home and relatively at peace. It is a place in which I belong. I have often felt like I don’t belong whether I think about my church, my work or the city in which I live. There are still many places in which I feel like I step to the beat of a different drummer but I now have my own corner where my drumbeat reigns.
I think I am making better decisions regarding relationships. I am more willing to realize that relationships don’t have to mean work. Yes, work is necessary to nurture them but I shouldn’t be working to make them fit me. The relationship should just fit or it is not the correct relationship. Unfortunately, I am still "a good woman" but not THE woman for the few men that have been in my life in the last year. Eduardo calls me a good woman although he says he won’t be stupid enough to give up the good woman. I have made mistakes over the last year but I think I have gotten smarter. Unfortunately, smarter has also gone hand-in-hand with being more wary and less trusting. I still struggle in this area but I think that I have made some baby steps in the right direction.
I have also gained friends through this blog. I don’t think I expected to have readers much less find a connection with any other bloggers. Perhaps fellow bloggers don’t fit the traditional viewpoint of friends but nontheless their comments are welcomed and I look forward to reading their blogs and sharing their lives.
I don’t know what I expect from the next year but at least I am looking forward to it. I am not so sure that I was looking forward to life this same time last year. I felt lost and unable to find the path to my future. The path is still obscured but I feel like I can at least see it under my feet. Perhaps this time next year I will be on the path with a partner.