One Year Anniversary

One year ago today, I wrote my first blog entry.  When I began, I didn’t know what would come of it.  I had hoped that by writing about my confusions and thoughts, I would get more insight into them than just having my thoughts running around in my head.  I think I accomplished that.  It is easier to let go of my worries once I write about them.  Before, I would keep revisiting them over and over and over.  Now, when I want to revisit my worries, I simply need to reread my entry.  More often than not,  I think to myself that my blog entry reflects how I feel.  What a relief to have those worries lifted from my shoulders!
I haven’t read a lot of my old entries but this week I spent some time reading the first few months.  I was wondering if I was writing about anything different now than I was last year.  Have I grown? moved on? changed my life?  Sadly, I still see the same themes in my writing.  I see pain and confusion and worry.  I still struggle with relationships and how to build a successful relationship and find a man that is good for me.  Will those concerns ever go away?  I hope so.  I hope that one day I can say that I feel confident in my relationships.
On the flip side… I do see change.  I bought a condo and it is the one place in which I feel at home and relatively at peace.  It is a place in which I belong.  I have often felt like I don’t belong whether I think about my church, my work or the city in which I live.   There are still many places in which I feel like I step to the beat of a different drummer but I now have my own corner where my drumbeat reigns.
I think I am making better decisions regarding relationships.  I am more willing to realize that relationships don’t have to mean work.  Yes, work is necessary to nurture them but I shouldn’t be working to make them fit me.  The relationship should just fit or it is not the correct relationship.  Unfortunately, I am still "a good woman" but not THE woman for the few men that have been in my life in the last year.  Eduardo calls me a good woman although he says he won’t be stupid enough to give up the good woman.  I have made mistakes over the last year but I think I have gotten smarter.  Unfortunately, smarter has also gone hand-in-hand with being more wary and less trusting.  I still struggle in this area but I think that I have made some baby steps in the right direction.
I have also gained friends through this blog.  I don’t think I expected to have readers much less find a connection with any other bloggers.  Perhaps fellow bloggers don’t fit the traditional viewpoint of friends but nontheless their comments are welcomed and I look forward to reading their blogs and sharing their lives.
I don’t know what I expect from the next year but at least I am looking forward to it.  I am not so sure that I was looking forward to life this same time last year.  I felt lost and unable to find the path to my future.  The path is still obscured but I feel like I can at least see it under my feet.  Perhaps this time next year I will be on the path with a partner.

7 responses to “One Year Anniversary

  1. Happy anniversary! You just reminded me of mine and I missed it. Oops!
    ~ FC

  2. I hope your trip is great!
    Congrats on your anniversary…this is my first time stopping by…

  3. I found your blog through Fat Chick. Happy Anniversary!! I hope that you keep learning and growing!
    Take care,

  4. I went back and read over a few of my first posts. There were two noticable differences to me 1. I seemed happier and not so bothered by my job troubles and 2. I was thinner than I am now! LOL Makes me wonder how I thought I was a "fat chick" then!
    ~ FC

  5. It’s really nice sometimes to evaluate yourself from past emotions…i think that going back and reading them means that you are seeking growth.  And I think you’ve grown.  You have accomplished some really great things in the past year.  I think that’s about how long you and I have been posting to eachother.  Time flies, eh?
    hope you are having a good morning!   Take care. -rey

  6. Happy Anniversary!  I am glad to have met you out here in blog land!
    A lot has changed for you this past year and I think you have done a good job adapting to that change.  🙂
    HUGS!  -Jen

  7. I also started le blog without expecting to have anything like a group of folks that are kind of like friends – I didn’t even think of such a thing as regular visitors.  Now I have folks crabbing at me if I miss a week.  If that’s not friends, it would have to be family, and I am pretty sure it isn’t any family I have (who are much more likely to crab at me to shut up).  There isn’t a really good word for the regulars, is there (I really have an issue with calling someone I never met a ‘friend’) – I am not a Hollywood type on a Talk Show.   I guess I’ll have to leave it with what Kermit T. Frog said in the Muppet Movie: ‘ a friend that I haven’t met’.  Happy anniversary!

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