Monthly Archives: October 2006

Exam Time

I don’t mind going to school.  I don’t mind reading. I don’t mind writing papers…. even papers that seem kind of silly.  But I really hate studying for exams.  As always, I am having a hard time studying for this history exam.  Too many people, too many dates and too many definitions to try to stuff into my brain.
 
 
ARGH!!!!!!
 
I write the exam on Tuesday and that will be my last exam…. EVER! Unless I choose to go back to school or I fail this class.   It is unlikely that I will be going back to school any time soon.  I am so finished with going to school.  I don’t expect to fail the exam either.  Keep your fingers crossed though.
 
Have a good weekend all!

Trade-offs

Obviously, nobody is perfect.  When two people are together there is always going to be compromise because not only are they not perfect,  they are never going to be perfect for you.  It is impossible.  Human beings are complex and everchanging. 
 
So… you aren’t looking for someone perfect or someone perfect for you but someone who you can live peacefully with and put up with those things that irritate you, irk and just want to make you scream.   And that is the question isn’t it?  What exactly can you put up with?
 
Is the cap off the toothpaste offset by the fact that he makes the bed?
Is the toilet seat up offset by the fact that he does dishes?
Is the fact that he never cooks offset by the fact that he can make you laugh?
 
These questions are not indicative of my relationship with Eduardo.  He always puts the cap on the toothpaste for instance.  They are simply examples of irritants that can bother people.   At what point do you decide that the irritants outweigh the good attributes?  How much should you put up with before you simply just give up and say you are not compatible?
 
I am not very good with this question.  I think in the past, I have generally put up with a lot of things that have driven me batty.  I honestly don’t know if I have the stamina to really deal with the things that I have brushed aside in the past.  This is not necessarily a good thing as there is some level of stuff that you simply need to brush off.
 
I have discovered that Eduardo gets upset fairly easily if things are not going his way.  This is not to say that he is always upset because many things are not important enough to him to care if they go his way or not.  But should he decide that it is important enough, he gets upset and seems to be unable to compromise – at least in the beginning.  Instead, he gets petulant – almost like a child.  I have discovered that avoidance of the upsetting topic seems to be the best way to deal with it.  Eventually, he comes to the point where he can talk about the topic and we can come to some compromise.  But it is that inbetween part that is making me wonder if the trade-offs are worth it.  I seem to be short on patience these days with dealing with the traits that bother me.

I’m sorry

Last night, he said he was sorry for what he said to me.  It was his insecurities talking and he was going to do whatever it took to make the relationship work.  This is the first time that he has admitted that he has insecurities.   In the past, it seemed like the issues were with my actions and not with him.
 
And I looked at him when he said it and I thought to myself, "Can I believe this?"
 
 
 

By the grace of God…

By the grace of God, I am what I am.

This is what I got out of a sermon I listened to recently.  I am not very good at getting lessons out of sermons.   Most of the time, I seem to be lucky if I actually remember what the sermon was about a week later.   This has stuck with me now for several weeks.   Once, when Eduardo asked me why I was so nice, I responded, “By the grace of God.”  I was feeling confident in that moment.  These words are supposed to inspire us and encourage us.  After all, God made you just the way you were for a purpose.  Except I am not sure what that purpose is for because I have yet to figure out what the heck I am on earth for.

Obviously, God did not put me on this earth to have a fulfilling and sustainable relationship.  According to the men that I have dated recently beyond the first few dates, “I am a good woman.”  And “Any guy would be lucky to have me.”  And from Eduardo, “Your previous boyfriends must be idiots because they threw you away.”  And yet… if I am so darned amazing, why aren’t these guys hanging around?  Why is it that they are perfectly willing to let some other guy be lucky?  What is it that I am doing wrong???  It is not helpful to have a guy break up with you and tell you that you are a great woman but the problem is with him.  I want to know what I did wrong so I can improve.  And before you think that Eduardo and I are over, we are not over yet.  I think that yet is the most important word in that sentence.  I have this funny feeling that I am simply standing by and watching our relationship go down the tubes and I am incapable of figuring out how to stop the water from swirling down the drain.   In the three weeks that Eduardo and I have been together, he has talked about leaving four separate times.  This last time – last night – he talked about how he sometimes feels like he wants to return to Peru.  He is not happy living here except for the fact that he is with me.  Although he loves me, his situation is bothering him… so he wouldn’t be leaving because of me… simply because of his life.  I am not sure that it matters why he leaves; the end result is the same.  He loves me so much but…. a new twist on the same theme.

Last night he tells me that he is scared and confused.  I knew that.  It has become obvious over the last few weeks.  And finally we come to the truth about why he always asks me if I love him.  He thinks that I am scared to be alone and that I will simply latch onto anyone.    Supposedly, I started this relationship too soon after I ended the one with Enrique.  Ironically, I had just come to the conclusion that I wasn’t interested in any relationships right about when I met him.  I specifically chose him as a language partner because he didn’t want a relationship.  Although he knows that, it hasn’t stopped him from thinking that I am desperate to be with anyone.  And now he is worrying that I am deceiving him.  After all, I deceived my ex-husband didn’t I?  I think he made the comment that I treated my ex-husband like garbage.  I heard the word for garbage but didn’t catch the rest of the sentence.   How can a relationship survive someone thinking that the other person would act like that?  I admit that I made mistakes at the end of my relationship with my husband but I did not treat him like dirt.  I tried very hard to make that relationship work for a very long time.

So if I am not here to be in a fulfilling, sustainable relationship, what am I here for?  Why did God put me here?  What other meaning or purpose can I provide to anyone?  Putting in my 40 hours at work and paying my bills can’t be my only purpose in life, can it? Or have I simply just failed in whatever task God put me here for?

 

 

Leonardo… who?

A long time ago, Leonardo quit being in my thoughts and on my heart.  I am not sure exactly when this happened but I know its been a while.  The day I realized it had happened is when I deleted all of our email correspondence.  Not only did I no longer read it, I had no interest in keeping it for its memory value.  It didn’t even have that much value to me.  More recently, I discovered that I have actually moved on and I am not even angry any more about the relationship and how it terminated. I am not even sure when or how that happened.   Just one day… I realized that it had happened.  I came to this realization when Leonardo told me that he was coming to this area and wanted to see me.  Last time he talked about this, I actually asked Enrique’s advice about it.  This time, I didn’t need anyone’s advice.  I simply didn’t want to see him.  I don’t want to dredge up the past and I don’t want to hear Leonardo speak of our past relationship or how his life is going now.  I am no longer angry but I still don’t have any sympathy for him.  His life is the way it is because of the choices he made but he continually makes himself out to be a victim of life’s circumstances.  The last time we spoke, I basically told him to grow up.  This was something that I should said a long time ago but I was still worried about ‘being nice’.   
 
So… we are not seeing each other and I don’t think he can understand why.  There was no point in explaining it to him because he will never understand and quite frankly I don’t care if he ever understands.  At one time, I wanted him to see my viewpoint.  I wanted him to understand how I felt about what he did.  I have come to the conclusion that someone who thinks he is a victim has no way of seeing anything but his own sad circumstances. 
 
Today, I deleted his work phone from my cell and his yahoo ID from my list of Yahoo friends.  It was sad to let go of these last remnants of him.  Sad…. but also freeing.  It was simply confirmation of what I already knew.  After 10 years, I no longer want him to be part of my life.  I have moved on.     

Transformation Fridays

Eduardo and I have been together for 2 weeks now.  Everything is going smoothly except for Fridays.  There is something about Friday that transforms Eduardo into an entirely different person.  I don’t think I am provoking him but both times on Friday he has gotten upset and totally blown an event out of proportion.  The first time was when I questioned whether or not he was telling the truth about something.  I personally thought this was normal and certainly something he does in reverse.  He got offended and started talking about leaving.  This blows over.   The second time he asks whose shirt is sitting on the chair in the bedroom.  It has been sitting there for the entire time I have known Eduardo.  It has never moved.  This is mostly because I am lazy.  I say it is Enrique’s.  He went through the roof asking why I haven’t thrown it out and did I expect him to come back and get it?  I actually never intended on throwing it out.  The mostly likely place it was going to go was in the yard sale box.  Apparently, putting it in the yard sale box was not good enough for Eduardo and he got even more upset that I wouldn’t throw it out.  Despite the fact that it was a perfectly good shirt, I ended up throwing it out to appease him.  It simply wasn’t worth the effort of fighting.  Once again, he started talking about leaving because I didn’t respect him.  We finally had a discussion later on about the situation and he said he was mad because I didn’t do what he would have done.  That pretty much makes sense since I am a different person.  He then went on to say that he grew up getting exactly what he wanted when he wanted it and still had some of that attitude today.  That has definitely become apparent over the last few weeks.
 
I told him that he needed to be somewhat careful about continually talking about leaving when he got upset because one day I was going to say to him…. "Then get the fuck out… I don’t what you here either"  And that will happen, I am not going to live with someone who is always talking about leaving.  Who wants to live with that insecurity?  I do not want to be dreading Friday’s because Eduardo turns into a different man.   And neither will our relationship go forward if Eduardo keeps looking for something to go wrong.  I know he is scared that we wont work out.  I worry about that too. What I don’t do is look for ways in which we aren’t functioning.  I am looking for ways to make it work.  I am looking forwards to a future together.  He is looking for problems.  You know how those self-fulfilling prophecies go…. You will find what you are looking for.  
 
 

Inexcusable actions excused?

If you live in the Washington, DC area, you simply can’t get away from political news.  Today’s political news is about Micheal Foley and his sexually explicit messages.  And his excuse?  Sexual abuse as a teen and drinking.  Its astonishing to hear that one of the text messages was sent just 6 minutes after he voted on the floor.  So he was either voting drunk or lying.  I am not sure which is worse – that our politicians are running the country drunk or they are simply outright lying and think they can get away with it.
 
But that is really not the real bee in my bonnet.  The real kicker is that he did these things because he was abused as a teen.  Hello?  This makes it alright?  This excuses it?  I don’t think so.  So many people who do bad things go on to say that they were abused as children.  And so?  That is really terrible but abuse does not make you do bad things.  And before you think I am a cold-hearted bitch, I too was sexually abused as a child.   I went to group therapy and met many women who had been horribly abused as children by immediate family members such as fathers and brothers.  One of the women was pregnant and terrified that she might molest her baby because she knows that being abused can make you an abuser.   These women were not running around molesting other children, killing people or doing whatever else others have been excusing with their abuse.  Neither have I.  Being abused as a child is not an excuse for your actions.  Abuse does not make you an abuser.  For crying out loud, take responsbility for your actions and quit blaming someone else.  If you thought that your abuse had hurt you in some way… get some help.  I did and so have many other people.   I took responsibility for my hurt and my pain and worked at making myself a better person.  They could have too.
 
And now I will step off my soap box.   I always tell people I am pretty laid back until you hit something that I am passionate about.  This… I am passionate about.