By the grace of God, I am what I am.
This is what I got out of a sermon I listened to recently. I am not very good at getting lessons out of sermons. Most of the time, I seem to be lucky if I actually remember what the sermon was about a week later. This has stuck with me now for several weeks. Once, when Eduardo asked me why I was so nice, I responded, “By the grace of God.” I was feeling confident in that moment. These words are supposed to inspire us and encourage us. After all, God made you just the way you were for a purpose. Except I am not sure what that purpose is for because I have yet to figure out what the heck I am on earth for.
Obviously, God did not put me on this earth to have a fulfilling and sustainable relationship. According to the men that I have dated recently beyond the first few dates, “I am a good woman.” And “Any guy would be lucky to have me.” And from Eduardo, “Your previous boyfriends must be idiots because they threw you away.” And yet… if I am so darned amazing, why aren’t these guys hanging around? Why is it that they are perfectly willing to let some other guy be lucky? What is it that I am doing wrong??? It is not helpful to have a guy break up with you and tell you that you are a great woman but the problem is with him. I want to know what I did wrong so I can improve. And before you think that Eduardo and I are over, we are not over yet. I think that yet is the most important word in that sentence. I have this funny feeling that I am simply standing by and watching our relationship go down the tubes and I am incapable of figuring out how to stop the water from swirling down the drain. In the three weeks that Eduardo and I have been together, he has talked about leaving four separate times. This last time – last night – he talked about how he sometimes feels like he wants to return to Peru. He is not happy living here except for the fact that he is with me. Although he loves me, his situation is bothering him… so he wouldn’t be leaving because of me… simply because of his life. I am not sure that it matters why he leaves; the end result is the same. He loves me so much but…. a new twist on the same theme.
Last night he tells me that he is scared and confused. I knew that. It has become obvious over the last few weeks. And finally we come to the truth about why he always asks me if I love him. He thinks that I am scared to be alone and that I will simply latch onto anyone. Supposedly, I started this relationship too soon after I ended the one with Enrique. Ironically, I had just come to the conclusion that I wasn’t interested in any relationships right about when I met him. I specifically chose him as a language partner because he didn’t want a relationship. Although he knows that, it hasn’t stopped him from thinking that I am desperate to be with anyone. And now he is worrying that I am deceiving him. After all, I deceived my ex-husband didn’t I? I think he made the comment that I treated my ex-husband like garbage. I heard the word for garbage but didn’t catch the rest of the sentence. How can a relationship survive someone thinking that the other person would act like that? I admit that I made mistakes at the end of my relationship with my husband but I did not treat him like dirt. I tried very hard to make that relationship work for a very long time.
So if I am not here to be in a fulfilling, sustainable relationship, what am I here for? Why did God put me here? What other meaning or purpose can I provide to anyone? Putting in my 40 hours at work and paying my bills can’t be my only purpose in life, can it? Or have I simply just failed in whatever task God put me here for?