I have been negligent in writing and really don’t have an excuse for it. At work, I have been insanely busy. I have either been working (I know… what a concept… working at work) or doing my homework while I have been waiting to pick up Eduardo. At night, I just haven’t wanted to think about or construct an entry. The little bit I have been on my computer is to do homework.
My exam went well. I got a 96. I suppose for all the stressing I should have gotten a good mark.
What has been on my mind the last few days is Eduardo. I feel like everything is going great. I love spending time with him and I love being with him. I feel like this could turn into a forever thing. We have discussed our goals for the future and what we want in both the short term and long term. We even agree on these things. All sounds great… right? I am not sure because I have certainly been surprised before by a relationship tanking that I thought was going well.
I just don’t know if our relationship can survive when so much of the conversation is one-sided. He says it is difficult to talk to me because of the differences in language. He has no idea how difficult it is to carry on a conversion when someone just says “si”, “no”, “que quieres” and so on. I feel like I am in a monologue and I don’t know how to change it. When I try to get him to talk he says he has nothing to talk about or it is difficult. Obviously, we do talk since we have talked about the future but a fair amount of our conversations are me talking to him. I feel like I am getting better in our conversations. He rarely has to repeat what he has to say. Despite that, he doesn’t feel that way. He says he has to think too hard to express his ideas in the vocabulary I know. He doesn’t always want to think that hard and he can’t always express himself adequately. Often, he doesn’t explain something I don’t understand. I can’t tell if it is just because he can’t be bothered or he thinks it is just too difficult or what. Repeatedly, I have told him that he needs to use vocabulary I don’t know (and then explain it) if he wants me to learn it. He needs to actually carry on a conversation with me if he wants me to improve my listening/understanding skills. I feel like I am talking to a brick wall.
Once he said to me that he was getting used to not talking to anyone. Unfortunately, I am included in that anyone category. I don’t think I can change this situation without his help but I don’t think he wants to do the work. This is the part I don’t understand. He has the opportunity to make our communication better and he chooses not to. There is only so much I can do. I try to keep up my end of the bargain and repeat things when I need to and explain the words I use that he doesn’t understand. I help him with English pronunciation when he asks and we read simple English books together to help him improve.
I simply don’t understand why Eduardo doesn’t want to try to improve our communication. This is the one part of the relationship that makes me extremely sad. Communication is so important to a relationship. How can this relationship stay alive if communication continues to stagnate?