Supporting your partner

If you aren’t doing anything together…. why be married?  You might as well be room mates and that is probably preferable as this requires a much lesser level of involvement emotionally in the other person.
 
The question of whether or not I support my partner came up this weekend.  I gather there is some doubt that I support him adequately.  Although I drop him off at his friend’s house and pick him up at night at work, I am not supportive enough because occasionally I express frustration that I am tied to his schedule.  I can not even take a day off work because I would have to get up at 6am anyways to get him to work and then pick him up in the afternoon.  I find this frustrating and a little morale killing.  My Tuesdays and Thursdays are totally tied up because I drive him to his English classes.  I don’t mind doing it but on the other hand… I sometimes feel like my ability to enjoy any free time revolves around him and his schedule.  It can be frustrating to know that I can’t plan any other activities on a Tuesday or Thursday because those nights aren’t mine.
 
Sometimes, I don’t feel like making him breakfast or getting up from the couch to get him a drink.  Is this bad?  Should I have to get up from the couch to get him a drink?  Sometimes he has looked at me (while sitting on said couch) and said, "Im hungry… what’s for supper".  This means that I am supposed to get up and prepare supper (even if its just microwave it).   Is it bad of me to think that maybe it would be nice if one night he said, "Im hungry… I am going to warm up our supper"?
 
I was making him hot lunches.  I didn’t really mind doing it but on the other hand, I expected him to help me.  Is that expectation bad?  Should I be making these lunches just because I cared and not saying a peep if I am busy cooking and he is busy listening to music because he doesn’t want to help?  Now he is making his own lunches because my expectation that he helps me make him feel bad and is going to do it himself.   I wasn’t supporting him in this area so he doesn’t want me to do anything.
 
As always, his expression of my inadequacies has gotten me to thinking about whether or not he meets the standards he expects of me. 
 
He can’t drive me to work but he has been pretty reasonable about the days he has to wait for me to show up.
He does tend to get me things if I ask him to although I tend not to ask him unless he is already walking in that direction.
He definitely helps with laundry and cleaning the house.
He comes and goes on his willingness to help me make our meals.  He does not like to help out with warming up meals already made although one night a week, he does make pizza to help me out.   He never wants to make breakfast.  He has no problems with grabbing something quick for himself but wont make anything for the two of us.
He is a big factor in my showing up at the gym 5 days a week.  The mere fact that he is positive (or faking said positiveness) makes me get off my butt into the gym.
 
Its great that he will do things for himself but I am not sure that is the same as supporting me.   Sure… that reduces some of the work because I am not cooking for him and me (or whatever the work is)…. but is that support?  That would mean that a room mate is supporting me because they pick up after themselves, cook for themselves and so on.  That isn’t quite the same as the person offering to whip up a quick breakfast of cut-up fruit and yogurt that the two of us can enjoy together.  Or is it?
 
I have no idea if I am being unreasonable.  I feel like I do a bunch of little things (like making the bed) that are swept under the rug because they aren’t noticed.  I am not sure that I see him do those little things but maybe I am doing the same thing in return – just sweeping them under the rug because they are so little that I barely notice them.
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2 responses to “Supporting your partner

  1. Okay just from being onthe outside looking in…..it seems that he has an "old World" or "Antiqued" idea about the roles of men and women in a marriage. I watched my grandparents….I grew up in their home….My granny would cater to my grandpa hand over foot with out so much of thank you. He would say something like, "Hey Granny, Do we have any ice cream?" Which meant she would get up and go get him some….we always had Ice Cream. And Pepsi…."Granny, Are we out of Pepsi?" She would go get him some. That was how she was raised…I watched….I did not learn that!! If Roy wants something…he waits until I get up and am going that way or he gets his own. His legs are not broke.
     So now that we have been around the barn the long way…..I do not think you are unreasonable. I think that you should have a long talk about what you expect from each other. That it is give and take on both sides. You are newly married? And it will take some work to get things in sync. It will happen….be patient!!

  2. honey, i think every woman out there agrees with you on some level…which means, you married a man…if you find some way to get him to do something because he WANTS to not because it’s expected by you…let me know how you did it.  Typically men just have a one track mind:  and I’m not talking about just sex…i mean they tend to see what is in front of them and ignore all the rest…it’s called being selfish.  and a lot of men are just that.   doesn’t mean they love you less…just means they’re oblivious.  good luck.  ~rey

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