Just tired

I am tired.  It is a never ending tired that never goes
away.  I can get to bed on time and catch
my 8 hours or even sleep in a bit on the weekends but the tiredness never
leaves.  It has been with me since I got
sick in January.

As a
result, it seems that each day goes by in a blur and one day just falls into
the next.  I have to remind myself
multiple times that today is a certain day and I need to do X – whatever X
might be.  If I don’t, I might forget
that it is my day to pick up the kids or go to work or whatever it is that
needs to be done.  By the next day, I
have forgotten most of the previous day.  I definitely have to leave myself sticky notes
for work related items or I totally forget what I was doing from one day to the
next.

I haven’t
been writing much because it is hard to drag the stories out of my brain after
the fact to even write them down.  I know
that funny or silly moments have occurred but they get lost in the things I
need to remember and the rushed frustration that my life is turning out to
be.    The irony doesn’t escape me that when I bowed
out of going to church last Sunday with Kelly and the kids saying I was tired
and needed rest (which was true) that I wasn’t really going to rest.  No… in reality… the day was spent getting
stuff done in a slightly more leisurely manner than if I also went to church.  Rather than rushing around doing chores up
until 8 or 9pm, I was actually able to sit down at 7pm and know that I had
gotten the most urgent things on my to-do list done.

I am
totally preoccupied by money matters.  Groceries
always seem to be heinously expensive.  Gas
is costing us an arm and a leg.  I just
added up our latest gas bill and it is 360$ for the month.  I have to assume that the extra gas is used
for ferrying the kids.  It certainly isn’t
used for me because I go nowhere outside of a 12 mile radius except to deal
with the kids.   We still seem to be partially financing the living expenses of the other household over and above child support which is turning into another significant chunk.    We probably can’t even pay for the gas that we
charged let alone anything else.   

When I was
single, my pay cheque for my primary job paid for everything I needed and I was
able to put away a good chunk of change into my 401k.  Now that the kids are here…. both of our pay
cheques  don’t seem to be enough for all
of the little expenses that we seem to be paying for.   I have
already reduced my contribution to my 401k and it almost appears inevitable
that the only way to break even is to just give up even thinking about making
any contribution at all.   How did I go
from living comfortably on my take-home pay to going deeper and deeper into the
hole each month?

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One response to “Just tired

  1. i am always tired too…pregnant?
    *~* :o) always remember to be happy… :o) because you never know who is falling in love with your smile… :o) *~*

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