Nugget of wisdom

Carolyn Hax always has these nuggets of wisdom.  This one really spoke to me.  She was referring how to tell the difference between a person who genuinely appreciated someone’s flexibility and accommodation and someone who was just taking advantage of it.

Givers keep giving (because they like you) and users stop (because they were generous only to snag you).

This one spoke to me because it has reminded me of several men who I dated.  While we dated they were awesome – not perfect awesome but awesome enough that I thought we were compatible.  We went for walks, we went to the zoo, we cooked together, we did all sorts of things together.  Then we got serious (moved in together/married whatever).  The more seriously we were intertwined the more they felt comfortable revealing their true selves.  And their true selves were not someone I would have gotten involved in.   They couldn’t understand that I felt completely deceived by their actions.  They had lied about themselves and felt no remorse whatsoever.  One even said that they did what they had to do to ‘catch’ me.  But catching me and keeping me are two completely different things.  I might be caught by your lies but your true self will not keep me if it was so incompatible that you felt the need to hide it from me.

An example to ensure that I am not referring to the end of the honeymoon period where you are slowly ending your ‘best behaviour’ because you really can’t keep that up for the rest of your life.  I am referring to instances were you acted like you enjoyed something that you would never have contemplated doing voluntarily because you completely loathed it.

And to my example:

We used to cook all the time together.  He even helped me cook for one of my dinner parties.  It was so amazing to be involved with someone who wanted to share being in the kitchen with me and ate everything I cooked.  I had no desire to live – again – with a man who wanted nothing to do with the kitchen and thought that I sucked as a cook.  I even commented to the guy several times that it was so nice to be with someone that liked to share in cooking and liked what I prepared so we could enjoy meals together.  Now fast forward to when we are in the serious part of the relationship after I am ‘caught’ – he won’t participate in any cooking whatsoever with me.  If he has to cook for himself because I won’t do it (and why would I want to do all the cooking including food designated solely for him?) then he will do it without my help and don’t expect a lick of help from him for any joint meals.  Fast forward a little further and now he is complaining about all my cooking.  Apparently, it seems he never liked it from the beginning. 

That is not a wearing off of the honeymoon phase.  That is deception.


One response to “Nugget of wisdom

  1. That definitely makes me think.Hug,~ FC

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