Making the rounds with Oscar

"Making the rounds with Oscar" is the latest audio book that I have finished.  It is about the effects of end-stage dementia on family and a nursing home cat that helped patients and family deal with the end when it came.   My grandmother has end-stage dementia so this book had a personal note associated with it.  But is also seems to have had another personal note associated with it.

It never, ever occurred to me that I would meet death alone.  I always assumed that I would have a loved one – a spouse probably – by my side.  But as I end my relationship with Eduardo I realize that I have a real probability of being one of those patients in a nursing home that nobody visits.   My dream of family has just flown the coop.  Not that family is any guarantee that you will have someone to look after you when you die but it sure raises the probability of it.

There are some things that I am not going to miss about the relationship but most of those things are centered around my husband and not the kids.  I think that some of my problems with motherhood were brought about because I was so angry with the way I was being treated by Eduardo and Kelly that I felt resentful of the things I was asked to do on behalf of the kids.  If you remove that anger from the equation, I think I was pretty happy as a mother.  And now?  I am not going to be a mother and it makes me sad.   Every day, I tell myself that I was lucky to have been able to be a mother even for such a short time because I have friends that haven’t had children and have felt that loss of never being a mother.  I AM lucky!  I experienced motherhood.

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