Monthly Archives: June 2010

And the fat lady sang…

Other than the signing of the paperwork, my marriage ended at 5:25AM this morning.
 
I wish I could say I cried but I didn’t. 
I wish I could say that we said good-bye but we didn’t. 
 
The end of my marriage started just like any other day – my husband went to work.  Only this time, he isn’t coming back.

After all
the effort I put into trying to make it work,  I simply failed
again.  I have exactly the same thing to say that I said after my marriage
to Mike failed.  I am sure I made mistakes but I am not exactly sure what
they were.  I tried really hard to make it work and just couldn’t figure
out how.

 

How do you
walk away from two marriages and not know what you did wrong and be incapable
of fixing it?  I thought I learned from my marriage to Mike and worked at
finding someone who I felt was compatible with me in ways that were important
to me.  After everything was said and done, I probably made an even worse
choice.  How can you make it through three marriages and still feel like
you learned nothing from your experience? 

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And the answers are?

The kids major concern was that I would forget them.  As if.  The only way I am going to forget the kids is if I am struck with Alzheimer’s.  Piero, in particular, wanted to discuss how we were going to continue to remember each other.   We talked about different ways we could remember each other when we weren’t around each other.   The kids wanted reassurance from their father that we would be able to continue seeing each other.  He said yes but I also know that he will say whatever is easiest for the situation(even if it is a lie) and saying "Yes" is far easier than explaining how we won’t see each other.

I felt really bad for Piero.  He told me that he wished he could go back in time to fix things.  Honestly, I don’t think there was any fixing to be had in our relationship.  As soon as they showed up in the area, our relationship was doomed.  I just wish I could have figured that out earlier and not spent so much time trying to save it.  I couldn’t possibly compete against Kelly.  She outranked me in ways that I simply couldn’t surpass starting with the fact that she was the mother of his children.  And if we went back in time with foreknowledge,  I simply wouldn’t have married Eduardo.  If I could erase the last 4 years of my life by simply deciding to not have a relationship with him.  I would.  I wouldn’t have met the children and my life would be poorer for it but I also wouldn’t have had to have dealt with the last 4 years and I sure wouldn’t have to deal with having the children ripped out of my life.  Although I was thinking all of that, I instead had a conversation with Piero about how it can be fun to think about what-ifs but you need to accept the path you find yourself on.  Sure… parts of it might suck… but there are parts of it that are great and if we had a do-over and different decisions were made then those great parts might not exist in the do-over.  What you do for the sake of your children – even if they aren’t really your children.

I have made arrangements with Eduardo to see the children this Sunday.  He is going to drop them off at church in the morning.  We will attend church together and then I will take them home to go swimming in the pool.   After that, I will drop the kids off at Kelly’s house.  I hope this reassures the kids that they will continue to see me.  And I hope they will continue to see me.  Eduardo’s ambivalence about this visit makes me wonder if they will go to any effort to ensure our relationship will continue.

The moment of truth

This weekend is the weekend that we will tell the kids that change is afoot.  Supposedly, the kids have not been told.  Some things have been happening but it is entirely possible that the kids are too small to connect the dots of what they are seeing with what the future holds.  I don’t know if we are going to do it together or if Eduardo is going to have me do it.  Either way, I suppose it doesn’t matter.  I would say the same thing no matter what.

What I wish I knew was how the kids are going to take it.  Are they going to be mad? Sad? Hurt?  No impact at all?  No impact at all would be best but I think I will be a little hurt that my time with the kids meant so little to them.   Maybe their happiness that their father and mother will be living together will override any sadness that they might feel about me not being in their lives to the same extent.

And I wonder what my relationship with the children will be like.  Will the parents let me see them?  Can I see them on my schedule or only when it is convenient to them?  Do the kids want to continue to see me?  Can I continue my relationship with them despite my anger towards the parents?

So many questions.  So few answers.

The gem amongst trash

A few weeks ago, I found myself next to a huge thrift store with some time to spare.  I thought I would head in and see what they had to offer.   I always, always walk down the housewares aisle in the faint hope that I might find some Visionware pots.  They sometimes do have the pots but the type with Teflon and I don’t cook with Teflon.   As always, they didn’t have any of the pots I was looking for but amongst the glass bakeware I spied something equally as valuable.  Nestled on the shelf was a yellow glass mixing bowl and a blue glass mixing bowl.  They were clearly not from the same set  as one had a white band and the other did not.  These are those white glass nested mixing bowls that came in yellow, red, blue and green.  My Mom had (and I think still has) a set when I was little.  I saw a complete 3 bowl set in excellent shape selling for 90$ at an antique store.  These weren’t so great but they were only selling for 2 or 3$ a piece.  Next to them was an almost complete set of clear Pyrex mixing bowls.   The second largest bowl was missing.  I snatched them up to along with a smaller GE glass bowl (I assume from a mixer?).  I got all 6 bowls for 20$.  My work horse mixing bowls were plastic from the 80s.   Since nobody was worried about anything leaching from plastic in the 80s, I can only imagine what they might have been made of.  I am happy to replace them with the glass bowls.  Eduardo and Kelly aren’t concerned about stuff like that so I gave them the mixing bowls. 

I feel like I really scored in all areas here.  I got rid of suspect plastic in my house without putting a single item into the landfill and I get to use these beautiful bowls.  The yellow bowl especially will bring back memories of the kitchen of my childhood.

Success

After 2 years of swimming lessons and practicing her lessons during the summer in the pool, Kylie has finally gotten the hang of it.  Saturday was still looking pretty hopeless as she would swim for about a foot before sinking.  But on Sunday, it all seemed to come together and she swam for 5 or 6 ft between one of us and the ladder.  She managed to do it repeatedly and that look on her face when she realized that she might have gotten all the bits together – it was priceless.  I was proud for her and she was proud for herself.

I am so glad that I got to see all of my efforts pay off.

Goodbye Direct TV

I have canceled my dish service effective July 4th.  I don’t know if I will end up reconnecting it or not but I want to give life a shot without mainstream TV.   Starting July 4th, I will be using either Hulu.com or Netflix to stream video to my TV.   I have done this in the past on my computer when I haven’t been able to get to the TV due to other folks using it.  And yes, I realize that on July 4th, I will be all by myself and no longer have to share but that is not the point.

Dish is 65$ a month.  Even if I reduce the package to the basic package, it is still 45$ a month.  Internet connection is 30$ a month.  I will have this no matter what so I can work from home.   So why not take advantage of the money I am already spending for my internet connection and use it for TV viewing?  I am also subscribed to Netflix for 9$ a month.   This gets me 1 DVD at a time and unlimited streaming.   Again, why not take advantage of this and stream even more videos?  

In fact, I will probably increase my internet connection (I have the lowest bandwidth package) for 10$… hmmm… I just did some quick research on the internet and it seems that what I am being charged for isn’t listed.  I pay 29.99 and the lowest regular rate is 32.99.  It seems that the next regular rate is 44.99.  Maybe I won’t be increasing my service right away.   I actually get a really decent picture as it is so I think I will wait on this.

Well ok… so maybe not increasing the speed on my internet connection… but I will be changing my Netflix package to 2 DVDs at a time with unlimited streaming.   So I increase my Netflix by 5$ but I save 65$ by canceling the dish.  A net savings of 60$ a month is a weeks worth of groceries.  When looked at it this way, I suppose it is small potatoes.

But what will it do for my TV watching habits?   Will I still watch TV just as much but simply using a different method of delivery or will I actually watch less TV?   Will my TV viewing be more focused?  Right now, I often will walk away from the TV and do something else – especially during commercials.  Commercials are going to be a thing of the past so no popping up during commercials to empty the dishwasher or put away my clothes.   Maybe I will move away from TV watching and start reading…. or head outside… or?  Nobody knows – including me.

I burned my throat

Last night, I was enjoying my freshly baked frittata.  It had diced potatoes in it and one of the potatoes didn’t get chewed properly and got stuck on the way down.  It took a couple of seconds to realize that it was lodged (and burning) in my throat and wasn’t continuing on its way.  I gave a quick cough and dislodged it but apparently the damage was done.  I have burned the top part of my throat.  It is quite painful to eat and drink.

I have to say… this has never happened to me before!