This morning… sometime between 4am and 6am, I woke up from a dream with my heart racing like I had just run a marathon. It felt like I had woken up from a nightmare minus the scared shitless feeling. And what was the dream about?
My dream was an unending spewing of pain and anger directed towards
Kelly and Eduardo. I was confronting them about how they had acted and treated me during my marriage to Eduardo. I was so angry
in my dream that when I woke up in the middle of raging at them, my
physical body was actually feeling the symptoms of that rage. Only one thing stuck in my mind after I awoke….
In my dream, I said something that I have barely even thought when awake. "I wish I had left Eduardo the night he didn’t come home to help me when I was sick and instead decided to stay with Kelly and the kids." If I had of left him then, it would have been a week after Kelly and the kids arrived. The kids wouldn’t have gotten to know me so they wouldn’t be hurt by our eventual break-up. I wouldn’t have wasted a further 2.5 years of my life trying to salvage something that turned out to be unsalvageable. As my Mom says, "Hindsight is 20/20". In my generosity, I gave Eduardo some slack thinking that he just wanted to see the kids after being away from them for so long. Little did I know in those early days that it had nothing to do with that. He simply didn’t want to be with me.
I have always said that I have regretted nothing in my life, even the bad stuff. I have always felt lucky that I have made it to my 40s without major regrets. But now I have to say that my dream was true. I wish I had left then. In fact, I wish I had never married him. I am glad that I was able to experience what it was like to be a mother but I am not certain that it was worth the rest of it. And now the ugly truth is out.