Monthly Archives: July 2010

I am insane!

Having gotten up AGAIN at 6am to paint, I have officially declared myself insane.   It took me two hours to paint the ceiling and the remaining wall.  I have another 2 hours to put on the second coat and then maybe another 30 minutes to put a final third coat on the wall.

Now if that wasn’t enough I have decided that I just want to get this painting done and I am trying to power through painting the bathroom!  Today I am going to try to finish up the wall repairs near the tub (been working on that for the last two nights), wash the walls and tape the walls.  Mike is coming to visit and said he would help.  WooHoo!  The bathroom isn’t that big but at least half of the painting is going to be by hand.

And despite all that… painting chores will still not be complete.  I will have the trim in the kitchen to do (including a door) and trim in the bathroom (including a door and a shelving unit).  I may attempt that next week?  And then of course there is all of the touch-up painting to do in the main living area of the paint job I did 4 years ago.

The ugly truth

This morning… sometime between 4am and 6am, I woke up from a dream with my heart racing like I had just run a marathon.  It felt like I had woken up from a nightmare minus the scared shitless feeling.  And what was the dream about?

My dream was an unending spewing of pain and anger directed towards
Kelly and Eduardo.  I was confronting them about how they had acted and treated me during my marriage to Eduardo.  I was so angry
in my dream that when I woke up in the middle of raging at them, my
physical body was actually feeling the symptoms of that rage.  Only one thing stuck in my mind after I awoke….

In my dream,  I said something that I have barely even thought when awake.  "I wish I had left Eduardo the night he didn’t come home to help me when I was sick and instead decided to stay with Kelly and the kids."  If I had of left him then,  it would have been a week after Kelly and the kids arrived.  The kids wouldn’t have gotten to know me so they wouldn’t be hurt by our eventual break-up.  I wouldn’t have wasted a further 2.5 years of my life trying to salvage something that turned out to be unsalvageable.   As my Mom says,  "Hindsight is 20/20".  In my generosity,  I gave Eduardo some slack thinking that he just wanted to see the kids after being away from them for so long.  Little did I know in those early days that it had nothing to do with that.  He simply didn’t want to be with me. 

I have always said that I have regretted nothing in my life, even the bad stuff.  I have always felt lucky that I have made it to my 40s without major regrets.  But now I have to say that my dream was true.  I wish I had left then.  In fact,  I wish I had never married him. I am glad that I was able to experience what it was like to be a mother but I am not certain that it was worth the rest of it.  And now the ugly truth is out.

Surprises in life

Yesterday held several surprises in life….

The kids came to go swimming yesterday.  Despite the fact that it never rained, Kylie spotted a rainbow.  It was a very short section with orange, yellow and green stripes.  It seemed to start from behind a white, billowy cloud and faded into the sky on the other side.

I painted part of the kitchen yesterday as planned.  Like many things, it seemed to take longer than planned.  Even the prepping to paint took far longer than I expected because I ended up repairing the wall above the entry.  There must have been a leak in the attic because the paint was separated from the wall and the drywall plaster was all chalky and needed to be scrapped off.  I had to make my second trip of the day to Home Depot to get some drywall compound and fix up the wall.  I wish I could say it was masterfully done but it wasn’t really.  You can see the somewhat uneven application (or was that bad sanding?) when the sun shines on the wall.  I still have to finish the part of the ceiling that was affected.  I didn’t bother to finish that because I didn’t have to paint the ceiling.  Immediately after I finished painting I went down to the mailbox to see if Netflix had left me a gift and ran into my next-door neighbour, Laura.  I invited her to look at all my handiwork and we spent an hour or so chatting.  I think I may have found a new friend!

Eduardo had to come back after leaving with the kids to get his study book.  He left it.  While saying goodbye, he started crying.  He said he missed me.  This morning he called in response to my VM inquiring about how he felt and he was crying again.  He said he still missed me.   I talked to him for a bit in a effort to cheer him up.   I never thought I would see the day where a man cried more than I did over the end of a relationship.  And to a large degree, I really don’t understand it.  He was the one that wanted to leave me to go back to Kelly and the kids.  Really, he was just making that whole relationship official after everything was said and done because he had left me spiritually and mentally long ago for them.   I do miss little bits of what was between us but overall I am content with being single.  Long ago, Eduardo once said that the reason why I was with him was because I didn’t want to be alone – like he was better than nobody.  I never felt that to be true and now being alone and not being particularly bothered by it, I know that not to be true.  I am fine being alone and not in an intimate relationship.  I was with him because I wanted to be with him.

Because I didn’t get enough on my vacation…

Although I painted for some 25+ hours on my vacation, I guess it just wasn’t enough work for me.  Tonight,  I am going to paint the accent colour in the kitchen.  I never painted my kitchen when I moved in.  I figured I would get around to it one day.  Well, one day has arrived.  I really want to put up a brushed stainless steel backsplash.   Since that requires actual money that I don’t have, I have decided to paint the backsplash while waiting for said money to appear in the budget.  For 10$ (or maybe 20$ if I need two quarts), I will get a new backsplash in a colour called Butter Rum.  Doesn’t that sound yummy?

The rest of the kitchen is going to be painted Ballerina White – white with a hint of orange.  Next weekend, I am going to try to get to the ceiling and two of the walls.  The weekend after that, the remainder two walls.  After dealing with the chaos of my bedroom for a week and painting for hours every day, I just don’t think I can handle putting my entire kitchen in chaos at the same time.  That simply seems too overwhelming.  Baby steps work just as well.

Vacation Summary

I am back at work today.  I accomplished exactly what I wanted to accomplish with my vacation.  I wasn’t sure I had accomplished it until I sat down on Friday night in the living room and realized that I was feeling at peace.  What more could I have asked for during last week?

And what gave me that sense of peace?
– completely repainting the bedroom and putting together a new bedframe that I bought.
– steam cleaning all of the carpets
– washing all of the walls (didn’t finish kitchen or do bathroom)
– cleaning bathroom and replacing shower curtain liner
– discovering kitchen counters- they are now perfectly clean
– completely rearranging living room
– rearranging all kinds of ‘stuff’ now that I just had my stuff in the condo
– spending lots of time floating in the pool
– spending lots of time alone

Today is a good day

Today, I just wrote a cheque for half of the money owed on my car loan.  I have been saving this up since March.  What a great feeling to be able to almost wipe this loan out.   Once I get this loan paid off, I will be in the same financial situation I was in before I got married.   And at that point, I need to sit down with my finances and start planning for my future.

Today, I am sore all over.  This is a good sore.  This is a sore caused by all the hard work I have been doing redecorating/cleaning up the condo in preparation for this new phase of my life.   Dining room is all cleaned up except for the rugs.  Part of the kitchen is cleaned up.  Bedroom carpet is steam cleaned.  Wallpaper is stripped off the walls.  Two coats of primer have been applied and one coat of paint.  Tonight I am putting on another two coats of paint.  Tomorrow, I am putting up all the tape for the design and priming the design in preparation for the actual paint.

Today, I can see actual progress on this new chapter in my life. And what a contrast it is to the break-up I had with Leonardo.  I went back to look over my blog entries from September 2005 and I was so lost as I tried to cope with entering a new chapter in my life that I wasn’t prepared for and didn’t want.   I could see no future after the end of that relationship.  Today, my future stretches out before me and I look forward to living it to its fullest.

For any Canadians reading…

Happy Canada Day

I spoke to my step-father and my mom and him are heading to the beach today.