The ugly truth

This morning… sometime between 4am and 6am, I woke up from a dream with my heart racing like I had just run a marathon.  It felt like I had woken up from a nightmare minus the scared shitless feeling.  And what was the dream about?

My dream was an unending spewing of pain and anger directed towards
Kelly and Eduardo.  I was confronting them about how they had acted and treated me during my marriage to Eduardo.  I was so angry
in my dream that when I woke up in the middle of raging at them, my
physical body was actually feeling the symptoms of that rage.  Only one thing stuck in my mind after I awoke….

In my dream,  I said something that I have barely even thought when awake.  "I wish I had left Eduardo the night he didn’t come home to help me when I was sick and instead decided to stay with Kelly and the kids."  If I had of left him then,  it would have been a week after Kelly and the kids arrived.  The kids wouldn’t have gotten to know me so they wouldn’t be hurt by our eventual break-up.  I wouldn’t have wasted a further 2.5 years of my life trying to salvage something that turned out to be unsalvageable.   As my Mom says,  "Hindsight is 20/20".  In my generosity,  I gave Eduardo some slack thinking that he just wanted to see the kids after being away from them for so long.  Little did I know in those early days that it had nothing to do with that.  He simply didn’t want to be with me. 

I have always said that I have regretted nothing in my life, even the bad stuff.  I have always felt lucky that I have made it to my 40s without major regrets.  But now I have to say that my dream was true.  I wish I had left then.  In fact,  I wish I had never married him. I am glad that I was able to experience what it was like to be a mother but I am not certain that it was worth the rest of it.  And now the ugly truth is out.


One response to “The ugly truth

  1. Hon, that is not an ugly truth, it is just a truth. You are fortunate that you are able to know yourself and recognize your feelings for what they are. *hugs* Jen

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