The ugly truth

This morning… sometime between 4am and 6am, I woke up from a dream with my heart racing like I had just run a marathon.  It felt like I had woken up from a nightmare minus the scared shitless feeling.  And what was the dream about?

My dream was an unending spewing of pain and anger directed towards
Kelly and Eduardo.  I was confronting them about how they had acted and treated me during my marriage to Eduardo.  I was so angry
in my dream that when I woke up in the middle of raging at them, my
physical body was actually feeling the symptoms of that rage.  Only one thing stuck in my mind after I awoke….

In my dream,  I said something that I have barely even thought when awake.  "I wish I had left Eduardo the night he didn’t come home to help me when I was sick and instead decided to stay with Kelly and the kids."  If I had of left him then,  it would have been a week after Kelly and the kids arrived.  The kids wouldn’t have gotten to know me so they wouldn’t be hurt by our eventual break-up.  I wouldn’t have wasted a further 2.5 years of my life trying to salvage something that turned out to be unsalvageable.   As my Mom says,  "Hindsight is 20/20".  In my generosity,  I gave Eduardo some slack thinking that he just wanted to see the kids after being away from them for so long.  Little did I know in those early days that it had nothing to do with that.  He simply didn’t want to be with me. 

I have always said that I have regretted nothing in my life, even the bad stuff.  I have always felt lucky that I have made it to my 40s without major regrets.  But now I have to say that my dream was true.  I wish I had left then.  In fact,  I wish I had never married him. I am glad that I was able to experience what it was like to be a mother but I am not certain that it was worth the rest of it.  And now the ugly truth is out.

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One response to “The ugly truth

  1. Hon, that is not an ugly truth, it is just a truth. You are fortunate that you are able to know yourself and recognize your feelings for what they are. *hugs* Jen

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