Playing House

I am not sure that I made it clear in prior posts about exactly what happened after the end of my marriage so let me state it clearly….

Eduardo moved in with Kelly and the kids.

Now that you now that fact the rest of the blog post may make more sense. Eduardo moved in with Kelly and then they made plans to buy a house. They moved into their house at the end of October if I remember correctly. The kids wanted me to see their new house. They were so proud to have their own bedrooms. So I went to see their new house. I was profoundly sad and cried. All I could think of was that this should have been Eduardo and I. The house is cute. It would have been something I might have considered for us. I have been back several times since then at Eduardo’s/the kids’ invitation. Each time I have felt ambivalent? sadness? regret? This last time, Kylie proudly told me about the 4 of them raking up the leaves. Inside the house, I see that pictures are being hung, the entertainment center is put together and the house is becoming a home. Although Eduardo and Kelly are supposedly not a couple, they are definitely a family. Again, this should have been us and instead he has the family and I have? Not sure… but certainly not a family.

And I can’t even explain this sadness. It is not like I wish for him back. I don’t wish for him back. The relationship is over and my heart is closed. Perhaps it is the idea of what the relationship could have been – and wasn’t – that makes me sad. Perhaps it is the idea that I had a family and that family went up in a puff of smoke that makes me sad. Not being with him? Not sad about that.

I am trying to be mature about this but I don’t think I can take much more of watching them play house and being a family. I know the kids want to see me at their house but I don’t think I am going to be able to indulge them in this for much longer.


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