Last night I was instant messaging with my step-father. In fact, my step-father and I talk a lot through instant message. We talk more than my Mom and I talk. And I think that is because of the convenience of multi-tasking. I can chat with him while doing something else on my computer. You can’t multi-task in the same way while on the phone. But I digress…
During our talk, I mentioned that I went on a date last week. He told me not to go too fast. I told him that 2 dates in 6 months was hardly the definition of fast because my last date was in January. He told me to speed up then. And that advice didn’t set well with me either because I am having difficulty finding someone that I think is even worth the effort. I have only gone on two dates because a) I am busy and b) I haven’t found someone interesting enough to get past the reluctance of entering the game.
Dating seems to be a game that I am becoming increasingly tired of playing. Lets look at my results in the last year:
- Grocery boy – He was a friend who apparently upon realizing that I was single expressed his interest. Then he stood me up and then he disappeared. He didn’t even call me back to express his condolences about my grandmother’s death. I was pretty disappointed with the whole affair.
- Then there were the miscellaneous match.com folks that I never met. Like the guy who went all the way to suggesting we meet for happy hour on a particular day and then asked me where I wanted to go. When I responded back with my two choices, he disappeared. Or how about the guy that I was speaking to that disappeared after suggesting that we meet.
- Match.com guy: He actually seemed nice. I wish that he hadn’t of creeped me out when he touched me. This didn’t go well but I manned up and told him that we weren’t going anywhere. I haven’t heard from him since and didn’t expect to.
- Another friend: After approaching him with my interest, he told he was not but he was more of a slow boil kind of guy. He finally told me he wasn’t interested but this was after I followed up with him. At least he told me honestly even if it required a bit of prompting and that might explain why we have been friends for so long.
- My Starbucks date: After emphasizing how honest he was and that he would definitely tell me if he wasn’t interested… I haven’t heard anything from him outside of his last words saying he would see me again. So much for honesty.
- Home Depot guy: I got sick this week so I haven’t met with him after all. I have to wonder why he didn’t ‘fess up to being married right away. Perhaps he though my interest was platonic so there was nothing to ‘fess up to. Or maybe I am so freaking jaded from all the other guys that I am attributing nefarious motivations to a man that has none.
- And then there were all of those Match.com guys who talked about being gentleman and couldn’t even acknowledge – even with a nicely worded rejections – my thoughtfully written emails of introduction to them. Not terribly gentlemanly if you ask me.
Ironically, the few guys that have shown decency have not been interested in me. And of course they are the men that I am most interested in. How hard can it be to find a man who says they are interested and acts like they are interested or simply tells you they are not interested instead of leaving you hanging wondering if you are going to see them again? Is straightforwardness really such an unusual character trait? Or is it not allowed in the dating game?
I was curious who might be matched to me in Eharmony so I thought I would create an account and see who was out there. Anyone who has signed up for Eharmony knows how long that questionnaire is. It is ginormous. So after spending my 15 or 20 minutes answering all of the questions, I get the following response:
I am sorry but you can not participate in Eharmony. We only allow members who are legally able to start a new relationship.
Answering your marital status was like the second or third question. You couldn’t have told me then that filling out the questionnaire was pointless?
I have to assume that Tuesday’s meeting did not go well since I have not heard from him. Given that we spoke every day until we met, this silence would be deemed unusual. And this is disappointing only in the sense that in the many hours we spoke on the phone in advance, I said that I wanted honesty and that included being told if it wasn’t working. This guy had assured me that he could man up and be honest… yeah….
So… my mind went back to the guy that has been helping me at Home Depot when I come in for my home renovations. He was friendly, had a great smile and I actually thought he was kind of attractive. He didn’t wear a wedding ring. It was a gorgeous day so I thought I would take a walk to Home Depot and see if he was working there. I had to go get some light bulbs as I just discovered that almost half of the light bulbs in the hallway lights were out. He was there… I asked him out for a coffee. He was just getting off work so we went outside and chatted for an hour or more. He said nothing about his marital status but I heard ‘we’ once. Finally, at the end of the conversation I asked him if he was married. Yes he was… so my potential date has turned into a potential friendship. Not quite where I was headed with that….
I found out that this guy was Bolivian. I had no idea he was hispanic. His English was slightly accented but nothing that particularly gave him away as being non-English. I will have to tell my friend, Nancy, that I randomly tried to have a date with a guy and he turned out to be hispanic. She thinks I need to get away from hispanic guys and I keep telling her that I am an equal opportunity dater…. but you sure wouldn’t know if from the guys I seem to be attracted to. I have attempted to date a number of non-hispanics but I haven’t been able to get a single one of them to reciprocate my interest.
Some time this week, I expect to have a coffee with this guy and get to know him better.
When I was a step-mother, I was encouraged to bond with the children. And when it seemed like I had bonded, everybody was happy. I made decisions about my future and my marriage partially based on what was in the best interests of kids. Right up until the end, I can’t remember anyone complaining about how I treated the children.
During the dissolution of my marriage, I suddenly started hearing from people that I shouldn’t be taking the best interests of the children into account when I made the settlement agreement. In fact, since the kids weren’t mine, I should not be seeing them at all. It wasn’t in my best interests or theirs to continue the bond.
More recently, I spoke to a man with a small son that was considering dating me. During the week or so that we have been talking he has come back to the topic of me continuing to see the kids multiple times. He believes that I should have walked away from the kids and that continuing the relationship is bad for the kids.
It is interesting that as a step-mother, it is considered wrong for me to continue my relationship with the kids even if they think of me as their mother and want to see me. If I was their natural mother, everybody would be encouraging me to continue the relationship even if the father was awarded custody. Not one person would be telling me to walk away.
What I found most interesting was this man with the son. Of all the people who disagree I would have thought he wouldn’t be one of them. Isn’t that the kind of partner you want? One who will care for your child as if they are your own? One who will take that child into consideration when making decisions? But no… apparently, he would want someone who was capable of walking away without a second glance.
I don’t get it…
How many months has it been since I have been on a date? 4 months? 5 months? The desire to connect with someone has risen its head again so I responded to a couple of ads on craigslist. One gentleman responded back to me so we passed some email back and forth and then some phone calls (one until 4:30am) and then we met last night at Starbucks.
He is cute, smart and I enjoy talking to him and that is where it ends. We are polar opposites. In all the time we have talked, I think we have found very little in common. He is also apparently allergic to cats. So where do we go from here? Does it go anywhere?
I have been slowly trying to purge things from my condo. I am a major packrat when it comes to sentimental and potentially useful things. Stashed away in a cupboard were some old VHS tapes. Most of them had just been used to record TV shows back in the day. Two of them had video from my first wedding and one was made by an old boyfriend. I looked at the ones from my wedding and managed to boot them out the door. I was feeling pretty proud of myself.
And then I looked at the one that my old boyfriend had made for me. We had a long distance relationship. At this point, I had never met him and had only seen pictures of him and talked to him on the phone. The tape was of him spending Christmas with his family as well as some footage of himself when he called me. I was struck by his hope that I would like the tape and also like what I saw of him. He didn’t sound insecure… just that he wanted me to enjoy what he was doing for me. How long has it been since someone cared like that about me?
Ultimately, I couldn’t part with this piece of my past and I stashed the tape back into the cupboard. I can’t say that the tape made me sad about that relationship. It was so long ago and I only remember bits and pieces of that relationship. I think it made me a bit lonely and wishing for a relationship with someone that cared and thought I was important to them. Doesn’t everybody want to be important to someone?
Last Friday I got my first pay cheque from my new job. It wasn’t quite everything I was hoping for. Apparently Uncle Sam’s contribution takes quite the chunk out of it. As well, the 15% that goes to my 401k fund is a larger amount as the base pay that it is come from is larger. It was about 200$ a month less than I was anticipating. Disappointing but after spending some time on my budget last night, it looks as if my goals are still achievable.
As well, April was my spending month for my kitchen renovation so I have added up the damage and my housing account is severely in the red. I had hoped that the extra pay cheque in July would allow me to do some additional renovations but in reality, it will primarily be used to finish paying for the kitchen. OUCH!
So I have partially reversed my post from yesterday. I will fund another month of my emergency fund and stop again. At that point, I am going to take the money from my second job and throw it into the house fund at least until I have the money to do the floor of my living room. I am fairly convinced (so still open to changing my mind) that I am going to continue the Marmoleum flooring into the living room. If that is the case, then I need to purchase the flooring as soon as possible so I can get the same dye lot or hope that the dye lot will be similiar.
I am still on track for paying off 7 years of my mortgage by the end of 2012. If housing prices remain the same, I might be able to refinance at that time. So here is hoping that interest rates remain low.