After a couple of days, John came back. I listened to what he had to say and I took him back but I certainly had cooled off on my feelings for him. And the relationship failed to get better. I told myself that I would be patient because he worked a lot but in the end the relationship was just unsatisfactory. I pretty much felt like I was single with the amount of care he appeared to put into it.
The end came about because of a personal crisis that occurred in my life. It was basically equivalent to a death in the family (but don’t worry – nobody died). On Monday night, when it was clear that the crisis was looming, I called John asking to see him. He was working til midnight and needed to get up in the morning for a 6am shift. He said he wouldn’t come over to my house but I could stop by his work at the end of his shift to speak to him. I was fine with just 15 minutes for a hug and reassurances that all would be ok. I understood that he needed his sleep. But at 10 minutes to 12 when I texted him to say I was coming over he said he had went home to bed. Seriously?
Saturday night, it was even more clear that the crisis was not going to be averted and John was actually with me during the phone call. It should have been crystal clear that I was upset and emotionally spent. I asked John to just hold me and told him I wasn’t interested in sex. But he couldn’t just hold me and wanted more. Seriously? Isn’t it obvious that this is not the time and place. It is not all about you.
And then on Sunday morning the entire crisis came to a head. At 12:30 it was clear that I was not going to make our date at 2:30. I called him to tell him briefly what had happened and asked to push our date back. We had talked about going to the mall and going out for lunch or dinner. I had to deal with the crisis and wouldn’t be able to meet him until 5:30. This is when I found out that he made plans to see his cousin at 5pm. He basically booked another obligation over our date and shortened it down to just a couple of hours. I wish I could say that was the first time it had happened. He said he would call me. He never came over, called or texted me.
It was finally clear that I was last in all of his obligations and even when I was in a crisis, I was still last. As my friend Neil says, Don’t make someone a priority when you are only an option to them.
It was very hard to break up with him. He was hurt and then he was angry. He didn’t understand what I was telling him and thought that spending more time with me in the future would fix the issue. But it hadn’t fixed the issue in the past when I said I was frustrated by our dating and I didn’t think it would fix it in the future. He said he would change but I wanted his care and concern to be something that came naturally and not something I had to force from him. And lastly, I didn’t want to compete with his relatives. That was going to be a losing battle. Finally, I told him that the crisis was forcing me to choose and I wasn’t choosing him. That wasn’t the complete truth but at least he seemed to understand it. And he essentially called me a bitch without using that word for choosing the other option over him. It is not entirely true that the crisis broke us apart because if our relationship had of been stronger, the crisis would not have prompted me to break it off with him. The crisis just made me make my decision sooner because it made it unavoidably clear what I meant to John. He might have cared but he didn’t care enough. Been there… done that… I wasn’t repeating it.