Monthly Archives: October 2011

Because my life wasn’t interesting enough

Eduardo and I have seen each other another couple of times and it always starts out tense before morphing into something pleasant.  In fact, I seem to be tense around Eduardo a lot of the time.  I don’t think it is necessarily due to Eduardo doing this or that bad thing because he isn’t always doing anything that I can perceive.  It seems that I have conditioned myself to expect some kind of ulterior motive or game behind his actions and I am looking for his “real” reason for his actions.  And generally, I think you can translate “real” into meaning negative.  There is just so much to get past that I don’t even know how to start.  And this is just to try to get back into friendship.  I don’t know that anything further is even possible.

But that is of course not all that is going on.   A less interesting bit is this new gentleman that approached me on OkCupid.  I had actually hidden myself on OkCupid but he had apparently put me in his favourites which gets around the hiding and he approached me a couple of weeks ago.  We have just been emailing and now talking on the phone. 

What can I say about him?  He is very smart and owns his own home.  He is Eastern European and seems to identify strongly with his birth culture.   He probably lives about 12 to 15 miles away from me across the river.   I can’t say that is ideal for driving but it is not bad.   He is talkative.  I can’t imagine him having any problems with striking up a conversation.  In fact, it can be difficult to get him off the phone.   He is not soft-spoken and I can’t imagine him being a wall flower. 

I am not sure if we will meet and I am not sure I am dying to meet him.  He has been very interesting to talk to but over time, I am discovering myself drained by my conversations with him.  I feel like I am in the midst of a debate all the time.    And always on the losing end.  He seems to be very informed about pretty much everything.  I can’t say if he is right or wrong but he is certainly sure that he is right.  It just doesn’t seem possible to have a simple conversation with him about anything – even movies.

And I know that intelligent conversations don’t have to make you feel like you are debating with someone.  I know I have felt like this occasionally with Eduardo but even we have plenty of conversations about weighty topics that involve a back and forth exchange that just feels like a conversation.  Other people that I consider to be intelligent and informed are Neil and Chris.  I can’t think of a single time that we have gotten into debate mode.

And last night, I was pretty upset by the end of the conversation.  We discussed religion.   I said that I preferred to be with someone that wanted to share my faith.  That by going alone to church and church events, I was effectively single and I was tired of being single in that aspect of my life.  He disagreed with that assessment and when I made the comment that  I was tired of being lonely in my faith I felt like I got nailed to the wall.   It seemed like he was saying that there was something wrong with my faith and my relationship with God if I was feeling lonely in my faith.    I was feeling pretty misunderstood by the end of the conversation despite putting some effort into trying to explain myself.    And yet… when I broached this topic to my friend,  Neil , he understood exactly what I was saying after just a couple of sentences.   And he didn’t disagree with what I had to say about it.   What I was feeling was not wrong.

I will go to meet him in person once or twice and see what he is like in person but the more we talk on the phone, the less hopeful I am that this relationship will go anywhere romantic.

Advertisements

Interesting twists and turns

I can sum up my dating with John by saying that I took him back again and it was even worse than before.  He blew off three dates and was late (or left early) for the other two.   We lasted a week and I asked him to leave again.  

But that isn’t really the twist and turn although it was interesting.  The twist and turn is Eduardo.    When he found out I was dating John, he revealed to me that he still loved me and wanted to get back together with me.  He had talked about reconciliation before but always dropped it.  The latest has been in June.  But in June,  I had decided that I was no longer interested (if I ever was before) in reconciliation.  It was a funny thing that had decided it for me….  He gave me a passionate kiss and I realized there was absolutely no spark.   To me, that meant that resurrecting the relationship would just be too hard.   And I wasn’t prepared to work that hard.

Unlike the other times where he broached the topic and then dropped it, he was persistent to the point of scaring me a little bit this time.   During this time, he denied me access to the kids.  He felt that if I didn’t want to give him a second chance then I was not the kind of person he wanted his kids around.   He had some logic in there that appeared to be valid for him but I am at a loss to explain it.   I still have difficulty with what he did with the kids because although I was given access back to the kids, supposedly the kids no longer want to see me now.  I have to assume it is because of all the emotional crap that went on around them during this time.

 But eventually, I caved and told him I would go out on a couple of dates and see if some spark could develop.  We went out on a few dates and it seemed like something might develop.   Although I was feeling all warm and fuzzy and toward him, I didn’t have that deeper spark that meant a more intimate connection was desired.  And then a couple of things happened that did not show Eduardo in a positive light.  In fact, it completely killed most of my feelings for him including friendship.

Eduardo still wants to get back together but I am struggling even harder with my feelings for him.   I don’t feel those deeper feelings for him.  I want to try to build our friendship back up but his feelings for me are getting in the way.  I treat him as a friend and he feels that I am treating him disrespectfully.  But the ways in which he wants me to be treating him are not how I treat friends but how I treat that someone special in my life.  And he is not that person for me.  Actually, nobody is at this point.

The other big problem is that I don’t trust him.  After all the lying and deceitfulness that went on during my marriage,  there is no trust left.   Even when I thought we were friends over the last year?  I just simply assumed he was lying to me.  No idea if he was or not, I just assumed he was.   He says he has stopped lying and has said and done things that seem to back up his statement but I am finding it very difficult to trust him.

And of course lets not even discuss what my friends and family think of him.

So… that is what is doing on in my love life…