Because my life wasn’t interesting enough

Eduardo and I have seen each other another couple of times and it always starts out tense before morphing into something pleasant.  In fact, I seem to be tense around Eduardo a lot of the time.  I don’t think it is necessarily due to Eduardo doing this or that bad thing because he isn’t always doing anything that I can perceive.  It seems that I have conditioned myself to expect some kind of ulterior motive or game behind his actions and I am looking for his “real” reason for his actions.  And generally, I think you can translate “real” into meaning negative.  There is just so much to get past that I don’t even know how to start.  And this is just to try to get back into friendship.  I don’t know that anything further is even possible.

But that is of course not all that is going on.   A less interesting bit is this new gentleman that approached me on OkCupid.  I had actually hidden myself on OkCupid but he had apparently put me in his favourites which gets around the hiding and he approached me a couple of weeks ago.  We have just been emailing and now talking on the phone. 

What can I say about him?  He is very smart and owns his own home.  He is Eastern European and seems to identify strongly with his birth culture.   He probably lives about 12 to 15 miles away from me across the river.   I can’t say that is ideal for driving but it is not bad.   He is talkative.  I can’t imagine him having any problems with striking up a conversation.  In fact, it can be difficult to get him off the phone.   He is not soft-spoken and I can’t imagine him being a wall flower. 

I am not sure if we will meet and I am not sure I am dying to meet him.  He has been very interesting to talk to but over time, I am discovering myself drained by my conversations with him.  I feel like I am in the midst of a debate all the time.    And always on the losing end.  He seems to be very informed about pretty much everything.  I can’t say if he is right or wrong but he is certainly sure that he is right.  It just doesn’t seem possible to have a simple conversation with him about anything – even movies.

And I know that intelligent conversations don’t have to make you feel like you are debating with someone.  I know I have felt like this occasionally with Eduardo but even we have plenty of conversations about weighty topics that involve a back and forth exchange that just feels like a conversation.  Other people that I consider to be intelligent and informed are Neil and Chris.  I can’t think of a single time that we have gotten into debate mode.

And last night, I was pretty upset by the end of the conversation.  We discussed religion.   I said that I preferred to be with someone that wanted to share my faith.  That by going alone to church and church events, I was effectively single and I was tired of being single in that aspect of my life.  He disagreed with that assessment and when I made the comment that  I was tired of being lonely in my faith I felt like I got nailed to the wall.   It seemed like he was saying that there was something wrong with my faith and my relationship with God if I was feeling lonely in my faith.    I was feeling pretty misunderstood by the end of the conversation despite putting some effort into trying to explain myself.    And yet… when I broached this topic to my friend,  Neil , he understood exactly what I was saying after just a couple of sentences.   And he didn’t disagree with what I had to say about it.   What I was feeling was not wrong.

I will go to meet him in person once or twice and see what he is like in person but the more we talk on the phone, the less hopeful I am that this relationship will go anywhere romantic.

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